Covenant or compromise?

In a span of eight years, having failed in four romantic relationships, with the last one almost leading to marriage, I can now say that I have learned—the hard way. There was an unfathomable amount of hurt and heartbreak. There was also unnecessary pain. And as cliché as it may sound, it was “all out of love”—or was it? I am now convinced that it was all out of an estranged idealism.

So much for wanting to be in the “most ideal” relationship. I believe that young people, especially those in their twenties, eagerly search for an ideal partner. I would like to believe that I am one of those people, at least for two more years.

The youth have a mental checklist that helps them determine their most suitable or ideal partner. And so it goes like a roller coaster of mingling, dating, getting to know, bonding, exchanging sweet nothings, sharing highs and lows, and working things out toward a joyful and lasting relationship. Call it culture or idealism, one thing is clear: It’s one way by which young people search for “the right one.”

There always seems to be some kind of pressure to be in a relationship. I must admit that I was also caught in the stream of that pressure in my younger years. I had a mentality of “having to be” in a relationship. For sure, even as I share these thoughts, countless other youth are also caught in that stream. But while many of us are continuously under that pressure of finding “the right one,” there is also the need to reevaluate motives for being in a relationship.

At times, I think to myself: If I can just go back to my early twenties… If I had only learned my lesson much earlier, and the easier way… Thankfully, the years have been kind. The more important thing now is to keep learning. But the lessons are now as big as life itself, and learning them has become a higher calling.

I bet that most people my age would have already found themselves in a relationship they would like to be in for the rest of their life. Good for them, and thank God. It’s only fitting to say that they have made it through that journey so far. I can also bet that their journey has not been easy. It’s never a smooth sail, anyway.

Millions of other young people like me would, of course, want to feel capable and in charge. We pursue a partner that we deem suitable according to our own ideals. But what seems to be in need of greater consideration is the willingness to wait for the right time and the right circumstances, and the development of a right frame of mind, in pursuing a potential partner. Thus, jumping into the bandwagon of being in a relationship entails certain consequences that may become irreparable. (No wonder TV soaps make it seem okay to have “broken relationships.”)

Culture is just too powerful in telling us what to do and how to behave when it comes to relationships. As many young people often believe and do (as I have also done), it is “quite normal” to get into a relationship and eventually get out of it if it does not work. And since society sees it as “normal,” it becomes socially accepted. But then again, does it not become emotionally and spiritually exhausting?

Since we are made to think that it’s “okay” to get in and out of relationships, there’s also a tendency for most of us to see relationships as a destination rather than a journey. Especially the young, who tend to think that once they are able to get into a relationship they are aspiring for, it becomes just a mere matter of give and take. And if things should fail, there’s always a “back door” to get through. But as someone who has been through painful breakups, I have learned to ask a profoundly essential question: Am I now spiritually prepared for this journey?

I am thankful that in my spiritual journey, I have discovered that having a personal covenant is the more gratifying way of finding “the right one.” As I have learned through the help of a kindhearted friend who has become my spiritual ally and prayer partner, “It’s the way to go.” I am also thankful that my spiritual mentors continuously inculcate in me an authentic sense of having such a covenant. It’s a simple promise—a personal spiritual commitment. As I have also learned, it’s a spiritual commitment in which we promise God that we will continuously improve, grow, and become the best possible version of ourselves, that we may be prepared for the best He has for us. And though it’s never a smooth sail as well, it should never be compromised because of our desire to be in a relationship that we desire, or that we think we deserve.

While many other young people like me continuously aspire to be in the best possible relationship, it is a reality that working hard on something does not mean that it will ultimately be ours for the taking. I believe, however, that those who wish to find true spiritual contentment in a lasting relationship need ask themselves: “Covenant or compromise?” I am convinced that our willingness to wait expectantly for God’s Best serves as a firm foundation of our spiritual maturity to handle and nurture a relationship that will get us through life, meaningfully and purposefully—and that whenever we compromise our covenant, we tend to take for granted what God really wants for us.

My sincere hope for people of my age, more especially the younger ones, is for them to choose a covenant over compromise—that they may never have to experience the unnecessary consequences and pains of rushing into a relationship which they perceive is already the best for them. As I am continuously learning through people who constantly pray with me and for me, the more fundamental preparation for the best relationship that God gives is the preparation of a spiritually committed heart. And when God reveals through people, circumstances, and time that a person’s heart is indeed spiritually ready, any two imperfect people can have a relationship that is not only spiritually strong but also “perfect in the eyes of God,” and not merely “perfect in the eyes of people.”

Jeremiah Maria S. Santos, 28, is a program consultant at Grolier Scholastic International Phils.