The child-free alternative

It’s again Christmas season, and the relatives with their unsolicited remarks loom once again, with the same questions: “Where’s your partner? When will you marry and have kids? Sayang ang lahi, gwapo ka pa naman. (Your handsome genes will be wasted).”

I usually would ignore these, but these comments resonate with me recently, because I stopped dating a lady whom I found promising, simply because having children is one of my nonnegotiables. This is largely because I have taken the time to reflect upon myself and have also been exposed to children suffering in the hospital with incapable or irresponsible parents bringing in their children when it’s almost too late and little else can be done: A pair of teenage parents brought their moribund child to the hospital only when he could no longer breathe, and what was left for me was to watch the life dissipate from him. This occurred regularly enough that I have become rather desensitized to these occurrences.

In time, I realized that I strongly value my personal freedom and the privilege to structure my time, even at my age nowadays. On the weekends, when I’m not at work, I often sleep until lunchtime and no one would bother me. I can stay up late watching classic films or Korean drama series and no one would beg or ask me to play with them.

I have valued independence and have learned to value it more now that I’m approaching 40. I don’t want children simply because I understand the fundamental and lifelong responsibility that comes with raising them. The rise of social media and ever-available YouTube videos have been tapped by newer parents as a crutch for their presence and attention toward their children, and this has created a phenomenon of children with short attention spans and poor manners. It doesn’t help that prices have been rising across the board with no immediate end in sight. Reports of fiscal mismanagement have come up time and again which doesn’t bode well for the Philippine economy.

Some people have told me that it’s a selfish decision on my part. I agree. However, I don’t think that their desires to have children are any less selfish. Some merely wish to perpetuate the family name; more egregiously, many Filipinos still believe in children as their security blankets when they get older. I would argue that the latter is an even more selfish reason to bring children into the world, because within this expectation is the condemnation of these children to be carers for parents in their twilight years. To be cared for by one’s child should not be a burden imposed upon them, but an act of love on their part.

I don’t believe in children as investments or as repositories of dreams. Should a couple choose to bring about a child in this world, I believe that it should be without any expectations of being cared for when the couple is older, but with every cognizance of the lifelong responsibility that accompanies bringing forth another life into this world. I also believe in the supreme importance of thorough self-assessment. I also see many people who pass on generational traumas to their children simply because they did not take the time to sit down with themselves and reflect on whether they’d even be good parents.

I have already stated my reasons for choosing to be child-free, even as a man. A few of my friends have told me that it is largely the woman’s responsibility to rear and raise a child, and while that is true, the moment one chooses to bring a child into this world, the man also bears the responsibility of providing and guiding the child. I dislike the idea of some traditional men who simply leave the responsibility of raising a child solely to the mother because it takes two to tango and I don’t believe that women should monopolize that responsibility.

Frankly, I would rather live my own life with discipline and self-control. I’d no longer need or impose on my hypothetical child that responsibility that I should and can do for myself, and when the time comes that I’ll meet my Maker, at least I can tell Him that I was responsible enough not to have brought a child into this world.

—————-

Michael David Sy is a medical doctor.