Need to hug

My parents were not huggers, but fortunately, the rest of our clan here in Manila were.

Everyone hugged, across ages. I remember hugging elderly relatives even more as they aged, fearful that they would not be around the next reunion. We hugged across and within genders; the Ilonggo in our clan had men hugging men. They also gave the most generous bear hugs, loud ones because greetings and immediate storytelling accompanied the hugs.

Working and studying overseas exposed me to huggers and more huggers. Latinos (or Latinx, if we are to be politically correct) on both sides of the Atlantic—Spaniards, Portuguese, Italians—were the most liberal, giving really tight hugs, and no gender barriers.

The rules around hugs are complicated by accompanying besos, kisses. We, Filipinos, tend to use quick pecks, like chickens, once or twice. Compared to other Southeast Asian cultures, we are champion huggers and peckers.

Move up to East Asia and you’d think the freezing weather makes people hug but no, hugs are rare, even when you’re supposedly “intimate.”

Hug-free cultures always amaze me because it so runs counter to biology. There are laws now in many countries, the Philippines included, that require rooming-in, keeping a newborn infant in the same room with the mother so she can cradle the infant and get started with latching-on, mother and child bonding physically and psychologically to get powerful hormones going for a let-down reflex, the flow of breast milk.

It’s July, nutrition month, so I thought I’d give a plug for breast milk, the best nutrition for infants, as well as immunizing the infant against hospital infections.

But I’m plugging, too, for the hugging part, which is so important for attachment. Hugging stimulates the release of prolactin, the “love hormone”—you feel good about yourself, and about who you are with. Men and women get the oxytocin high, eliciting a range of feelings, from simple warm fuzzy ones to the expansive gigil, no English word captures this exuberant joy.

You can get the oxytocin simply by looking into each other’s eyes, with the famous “10-minute” psychology study claiming that if you put two strangers together and have them look into each other’s eyes, they’ll begin to feel for the other person even before the 10 minutes are up, even a tinge of falling in love.

Oxytocin bonding works, too, between dogs and humans, the famous “puppy eyes” having evolved in dogs as part of their odyssey with humans. How many of us have ended up taking home a stray, or an unplanned purchase from the pet shop because of that oxytocin bonding?

What’s so amazing, too, is how repeated hugging-induced oxytocin highs can condition us so that even looking at other people hugging or seeing someone carrying and hugging an infant who’s crying or cooing (especially if breastfeeding) can stimulate oxytocin release.

When the world seems so torn by conflict and crisis, we need so badly to hug, but COVID-19 keeps us back, so we’ve kept sending virtual hugs through text and email. Recently Alice, a close friend, sent me an email that read, “here’s a seven-second virtual hug” saying the research suggests you need that much hugging for a full oxytocin rush.

Seven seconds, I wondered, that’s a long time so how safe is it? Then, I suddenly remembered a New York Times article and found it: how to hug during a pandemic, going back to June 4, 2020, based on interviews with experts on the aerosol transmission of viruses.

Turns out hugging is fairly safe, and remember, the article came out at a time of great paranoia as the new virus claimed thousands of victims each day.

The aerosol experts point out though that even if one of the huggers is infected, there’s only a tiny chance hugging will transmit the virus. You can reduce the risks by wearing a mask, hugging with faces in opposite directions (meaning not direct face to face). Little children, who need so much more hugging than adults—for comfort, for consolation, or just plain affection—are safe since they can’t hug you face to face.

Dogs are good and safe to hug, and you both get the oxytocin surge.

There was also advice to hold your breath while hugging … I guess that’s possible for seven seconds.

Enjoy, and don’t fall in love just yet!

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