Ode to a mother lost

Death is a chapter in everyone’s life, but I wish it was one we did not have to read so soon.

When I moved to the United States in 2015, I was apprehensive about meeting my then future in-laws. In the Philippines, getting along with the in-laws is extremely important. My mother, weeks before I left, kept reminding me that I needed to have a good relationship with my in-laws so I would have people to count on when necessary.

I had only chatted online with my husband Eric’s mom through Facebook. She added me on Facebook a couple of months before my flight, so we could get to know each other. I used to call her Mrs. Wangen. That made her laugh, because she said it was too formal. She reassured me that calling her Ruth was all right and not disrespectful.

Upon landing in Minneapolis, I did not know what to expect. Should I shake Ruth’s hand? Should I keep my distance and just politely say hello? “There she is!” I heard someone excitedly say. I turned around and saw Eric and Ruth waiting for me a couple of steps away. I ran to Eric’s arms and hugged him. When we let each other go, Ruth gave me the biggest and warmest hug. That hug dispelled all my anxiety and made me tear up a little. Why was I so anxious about this meeting?

From then on, Ruth always made me feel welcome and loved. She did so much in helping me and Eric plan for our wedding. She made sure that even though my parents were thousands of miles away, they still were included in the wedding planning. Every moment I spent with her, I never felt like an outsider.

If I were to recount some of my fondest memories with Ruth, one of them would be my first Christmas in Minnesota. She made sure that I had the most number of gifts. “It’s her first Christmas here and away from her family! She needs lots of gifts!” she said. One by one, as I opened the presents—from socks to pajamas to household items—she had this big smile on her face. She was as excited as I was that 2015 Christmas afternoon.

Another thing that I absolutely loved about Ruth was how she did not just wholeheartedly welcome me to her life; she accepted all my relatives as well. Sometimes, she would ask me if I knew someone on Facebook, because they showed up as a recommended friend. If I told her that they were relatives, she would consider adding them on Facebook. I told Eric that Ruth probably knew more of my relatives than I did. She knew their names and how they were related to me. She exchanged messages with my parents and sister. She was so interested about learning why my sister or nephews would address her as “Tita.” I told her that the word translated to aunt, and it was a way of showing respect.

When my cousin Erika visited Minnesota after she graduated from college, Ruth opened her heart and home to her as well. She took us shopping at JCPenney — her favorite place. Without a doubt, she made Erika feel like her own family.

If you ask people what Ruth was famous for, one of those things would be her cooking. She made killer tomato sauce. Making the sauce was not just a way to have good chili or pasta dishes throughout the year, it was to bond with relatives as well. A couple of months ago, we made a ton of sauce with the entire family in her new kitchen. That day will forever remain as one of the happiest days I ever spent with her.

I know that some people do not like spending time with their mother-in-law. Horror stories about overbearing “biyenan” abound. All I can tell you is that when God was handing out mothers-in-law, I got the best one.

Ruth Josepha Wangen went Home on Nov. 24, 2021, at the age of 72. Losing her has been extremely difficult. There are times when I still cannot believe that she is gone. There are days when I still think I will get a message from her asking if we would like to come over for lunch. I was going through some boxes of random thrift store things that we got the previous months, and I found some Nora Roberts books. Eric and I were always on the lookout for those because she loved reading Nora Roberts novels.

I may not have known her for a long time, but the love she shared with me will last for a lifetime. The lessons I learned from her—from how to make the best mashed potatoes to how to be more patient and understanding—will live with me for the rest of my life. Time will heal the grief we are feeling, and we will look back at her life with utmost fondness. This is not farewell. This is nothing but a temporary separation. Soon, we will reunite with her and, hey, maybe by then I can proudly tell her that I can finally replicate her famous tomato sauce.

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Mary Anne Wangen, 29, is a proud and wonderfully loved daughter-in-law of the late Ruth Wangen.