No more carbonara

Funny how the wrong person at the right time teaches one to become a better version of oneself in the most unusual way. Who’d have thought that would be you?

At the back of my mind, I knew it wasn’t going to work. But I wanted it so bad I ignored my instinct. I prayed really hard for it to work. I made excuses and sacrifices, all for you. Honestly, I don’t know why I wanted you so bad. My head was telling me to quit before you ripped my heart from my sleeve. What my head didn’t know was I put my heart there on purpose—but with thick poisoned thorns because you wanted challenge. And I was challenged to give you the challenge. But you won. You took it. Congratulations. You deserve a slow clap—that’s all.

I purposely made my defenses as high as The Wall. I wanted to see if you’d be my Jon Snow and make the climb. You weren’t as hot as Jon Snow, but you did make the climb. I waited—patiently, though patience wasn’t my best virtue. And I saw you on the other side. You broke my defenses. You made me fall—so hard I almost crashed. But you were there, however short, to catch me in midair. Just the sweetest thing. And then you let go and I fell with a loud thud.

The thing was I was already slightly broken before you came. But you didn’t mind. You stayed. I mistook that for a good thing. You were fun, witty and gentle. I found my comfort with you. It was escalating so well I was on sky-high every day. Like we were driving one of those “The Fast and the Furious” cars—speedy, scary, yet stimulating. I was afraid but I was loving the ride.

What hurts most, I believe, was that I anticipated this day. And here it is. Oh, that bone-crushing pain! But humans are optimists by nature, especially me. And you knew it. I was ever the optimist, the dreamer of far-flung hopes. And hope I did. I just knew there should be more. It felt so real I craved more. I expected the end, but hoped it wouldn’t come this soon. Confused thoughts were mostly what were in my head. Thinking, trying to find the answers, but never finding them.

Still, I went with it. You gave me this best worst and worst best feeling. As David Levithan tried to define it, “I’m not even going to try.”

You started a spark, I fed the flames, and together we made a forest fire. Neither of us knew back then that fire leaves only smoke and ash.

That was it. You came so spontaneously and left so suddenly.

Here’s the funny part: I don’t regret anything I did. Present tense. Still not regretting it. Despite all the muck, something good flourished. Even during the process, the sacrifices I did for you, I became a better person. I stopped procrastinating, welcomed risks, and embraced happiness. Too bad you wouldn’t risk the same for me. You were the wrong person, but it was the right time for me to grow. At the same time, you were the right person to teach the lesson, but the wrong time for us to ignite.

Yes, I have my fair share of crazy, stupid sh-t. And I’m also aware they were crazy and stupid but I did them anyway. I guess you could say I like learning things the hard way. And learned I have. Thank you for teaching me.

I’m trying to move on and live my life one smile at a time. No regrets. I’m living in the moment. Don’t worry, you’ll always have a special place in my heart for all the lessons you taught me. But you’ll remain just a lesson.

I agreed to cook you carbonara, but you made me dislike that dish. You’re never going to experience my magic with pasta now. Don’t ever come back. Our chapter is closed.

AEManduriao, 24, has a day job in an advertising company. She says she tries to save the world at night or during weekends through art as she is a graphic designer and photographer at heart.