Voice in my head

Post college existential malaise is a real thing, and I recognize that now as I look back at the year of my own graduation and all the events (and nonevents) that subsequently transpired, now referred to by my brain as The Great Depression of 2013. I remember those feelings of hopelessness and inadequacy, of crippling self-doubt, as I watched crumble all the confidence that four years of overpriced education had built. It’s not great.

My postcollege depression spell has been brutal, and I can’t count with my two hands the number of nights I spent curled up in bed, racking my brain for what else to do with my life. In retrospect, there didn’t seem to be any conceivable point for being too hard on myself at such an early stage in my life. I was 20, and nobody expected me to be the boss of my own firm, or to bring home a hefty paycheck at month’s end. It was just me and my brain fighting every day, calling each other hurtful names like “loser” or “good for nothing” or “piece of horse poop” (we weren’t good with insults).

There was a constant party in my brain and every negative thought was invited. Sometimes I still blame my pessimistic tendencies on all that worthless drama, but every time I talk to people who are having the same problems, or just take a peek on Facebook and see all those college students whine, I can’t help but think that this is a dilemma brought to existence by society itself.

One can argue that the malaise that follows graduation is an issue of class, just something made up by the upper-middle-class youth who feel entitled to certain privileges. But it’s not. I myself am not from that class, and I feel like the rich kids are having no problem whatsoever with their future, anyway. I can only guess, but it may be “college” in general that is causing this premature feeling of hopelessness. Because all this time college has been painted to all of us as a magical place that propels people to success, as a surefire way to land a great job and unlock all the pleasures life has to offer. Oh, it is such an amazing place, until you realize that going to college is bare minimum to finding actual success. It’s Step 1 in the ladder to a great life that has roughly 1,000 rungs on it. Unless, of course, you’re wealthy and connected, in which case it is all you need. But I digress.

College is great, and I treasure all four years of whatever happened—I was hung over half the time, so I couldn’t tell—but it takes very little time in the real world to understand that a college degree is not such a big deal, after all. All those other things we thought we’d get along with our diplomas—happiness, fulfillment, whatever—they take time to achieve. So it’s really not wise to spend the months following graduation asking the universe why you are not getting the job your career orientation has promised, why you are still an assistant, why you are still getting little money, why you are not quite content. I learned, and I swear I learned this the hard way, that having all that would take so much time and so much effort, and four years of barely-attended classes are not even close to enough.

It’s true: YOLO—you only live once. But our life isn’t short; it’s actually pretty long. We who are in our early 20s still have about 40 years to be in the profession we have chosen, and we have more than enough time to figure out what it is we really want to do. So while I understand that there is that voice urging you to get a job already or get a high-paying job already, have the power to drown that voice with Zen energy—relax, you’re freaking young—until you no longer hear from that piece of horse poop.

Brian Tomas, 21, says he’s “fine” and works for the provincial government of Cavite.