Motherhood is a choice

I was the first on my father’s side of the family. The first granddaughter, the first daughter, the first little girl, and the eldest girl among my cousins. My shoes and dresses were all brand new before I handed them down to my sister and my little cousins in the province. I had tons of toys, ranging from complete cooking sets to dolls dressed in adorable outfits. My aunties never failed to treat me or give me money as a reward when I did well in school. Indeed, my life as a child was wonderful—a life I imagined for my future children.

Sometime during a summer vacation, we went to visit my grandmother in the province. I heard a lot of comments from people who I no longer remember but who surely were part of my childhood.

“May boyfriend ka na, ’no?”

“Kailan ka mag-aasawa?”

“Sigurado ako maganda magiging anak mo!”

These are just a few examples. Most of the comments were in Ilocano, which I do not understand. I was in my first year of high school at the time, and I mistook these comments for compliments. I imagined a beautiful life for my future family. I pictured a charming husband and three lovely children running around our home.

I was pleased.

Until I was not.

I was still in high school when I noticed a few of my batchmates becoming pregnant at such a young age. Some of them I knew personally, while others I had only heard of. I saw how dreams were crushed, as these people had been left with no choice but to drop out of school.

I did not want that for myself, so I put my dream of having a family on hold.

I assumed that this only happened because they were too young to start a family, so I promised myself to be successful first before having one. However, as I got older, I realized that it is more difficult than it appears. Being successful before the age of 30 is difficult in this economy, unless you have inherited wealth, or luck is on your side.

Nonetheless, I was determined to succeed in order to provide the resources necessary to start a family in the future. I was so attached to the notion that I needed to work hard, so my children could have a better life. I still have a mental image of a happy family. Even though it has small cracks now, it has not totally shattered. There is still hope, I told myself.

I was in my last year of junior high school when I started to dream for myself. I spent minutes daydreaming about how I would be in the future. I fantasized about becoming a lawyer—a brilliant, amazing, justice-seeking lawyer, just like Annalise Keating, minus the murders and the never-ending drama.

The idea of being independent appeals to me. The idea of having time for myself to grow and explore without the life-long commitment of being a mother and a wife appeals to me. I have nothing against women who find fulfillment in becoming mothers. In fact, I admire them for their courage and selflessness. However, it is just not for me. The mental image of a happy family, which had once been vividly displayed in my head, had already been shattered. There is still hope for a happy family, but not for me.

I was selfish, they said. That this is just a phase, and I will surely change my mind when I find the right guy to settle down with. That’s what they said, but that is not what I believe in. I am indeed a product of a society where motherhood is expected of every woman, as if that is their only role, and that not being one means you are selfish. This traditional Filipino value not only makes you look selfish for not wanting a family or a child, but also puts pressure on women.

Although starting your own family brings a wonderful feeling, it should be a personal choice for single women, women and their partners, rather than a social obligation to which they must adhere in order to conform to society. There is no need for an explanation; a simple “I do not want to” or “we do not want to” should be a good enough reason. It must not be questioned by people who will not take responsibility for our decisions.

I may be too young to say this, but for now, starting a family is not a possibility for me and is not included in my 10-year plan. I genuinely think that women should have the choice not to have a family or a child without being labeled as selfish. Women have a purpose in this world aside from being mothers. They can be lawyers, doctors, engineers, teachers, or anything they want to be without the pressure put on them by society. I refuse to give society control over my personal decisions because motherhood is not for everyone and that is okay.

Juliana Sheryn Bondame, 18, is a political science student and frustrated writer from Cavite. She loves the following, in no particular order: Paramore, books, and her pet Molly.