If this is my last morning coffee

If this is my last morning coffee, it means I have overcome my fear of not knowing.

Every day is a constant battle of choosing the better option: living a life full of pain, or ending it without knowing what lies ahead.

I am not afraid of dying, or, let’s say, how to die. But what bugs me is the feeling of not knowing, the uncertainty of what might happen after death. Is it the end of it all? If it is, then that’s good. If it’s not, then what’s next? What if this painful life is nothing compared to the pain that’s waiting for me? That idea scares me. So every day, I choose to continue making my morning coffee.

It’s a mundane task. But it is the very thing that pushes me to get up. It is the mundane task that leads me to follow the remaining tasks listed on my daily routine board. Choosing to get up every day because of that morning coffee makes me think “I’ve already gotten up and spent three minutes making this coffee, might as well continue the day until I get to sleep again.”

I love to sleep, but I struggle to do so. I always ask myself, “Should I get up and make my coffee?” It is almost the same as “Should I choose to live today?”

Today, I thought, “what if this is my last morning coffee?” The idea got me listing all the things I wanted to do today before I left. The next thing I knew, I still had tons of things I was looking forward to but failed to realize before. The idea of having only 24 hours to live made me realize that despite the pain I feel every day, the fact that I was still able to list tons of things to do shows that hope is still there no matter how small. It shows that no matter how mundane those tasks I listed, I still have a pinch of hope in me. It shows that I still look forward to something.

If this is my last morning coffee, I’d find a new type of drink to look forward to. I know I’ll always find a reason to get up. I don’t fear the unknown anymore. Whether it’s life or death, nobody really knows what’s gonna happen next. There really is no certainty even in life. When we wake up, we really don’t have any idea what’s there to embrace. Are we going to do good at work? Are we going to bump into the person we like? Are we going get our dream job? Are we going to get the raise we prayed for after a year of sleepless nights and postponed dates? Will this pandemic be over the next day? Will I be able to see my family again?

Nobody knows. Nothing is really certain. But what we can do is not only hope, but move.

Do something. It may be as mundane as preparing your morning coffee. Do it. Find a reason to continue. Find the courage to embrace what there may be. Embrace pain. Embrace loneliness. Embrace happiness. Embrace peace. Embrace the uncertainty of life, but let our voices be heard, and let’s do the most we can to help ourselves and others.

But before we can extend ourselves, we must first choose to hope and get up. No matter how mundane your initial reason may be, when you get up you are already choosing to make a difference for yourself and eventually for others.

So I guess this is going to be my last morning coffee. No, I’m still hopeful. I still plan to get up and move. I’ve just decided that, tomorrow, I’d be brewing some tea.

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Rose Anne Jade R. Bumanglag, 24, is a news desk executive and English instructor at PUP Sta. Mesa.