Talking to strangers

A steady rain fell the entire day after the US presidential election in Manhattan, where almost 90 percent of those who went to the polls voted for Hillary Clinton. The air was heavy, funereal even, like the days after 9/11.

It was not an exaggeration when the media called it the greatest upset ever. Everyone was in shock, even Donald Trump himself. Many blamed “those rednecks” or “the sexists, racists and buffoons”—a similar sentiment I heard from some after Rodrigo Duterte won. There was a sense of arrogance, an air of superiority over “those ignorant masses.”

I, too, am guilty of such sentiment. I demonize and dehumanize the Other—or everyone with whom I disagree. On Facebook, I have had arguments with people. Some friends suggested that I unfriend those who troll me. I have considered that many times, but each time I end up deciding that I better not.

Science has found that watching a video of one’s own body being touched can temporarily increase one’s sensitivity to touch. A study out of Italy explored whether and how this visual remapping of touch works if the face you see being touched belongs to someone else. The participant was shown faces of people from different ethnic groups, and the visual remapping worked measurably better if the video showed a person from the same ethnic group. The same is true when the person shown on the video held the same political belief.

Empathy increases with perceived similarity. We must, therefore, find ways to see those similarities, that common ground, with those we consider the Other. St. Teresa of Calcutta said: “The problem with the world is that we draw the circle of our family too small.” If we can learn to live our lives in widening circles, there is hope for a better world for our children.

We need more conversations across political and cultural differences. We must all get out of our echo chambers (watch Fox News once in a while!), and learn to engage with respect and kindness even (or especially) with the Sean Hannitys and Mocha Usons of the world.

No one has the monopoly of the truth. We each see the world through the lens of our own experience.  And that means we will never see life in the same way. Another’s truth is as valid as mine.

Best-selling author Elizabeth Lesser suggests that once in a while we reach out to someone whose lifestyle frightens us. Take them out for coffee. She has ground rules for such chats: Don’t persuade, defend or interrupt. Be curious. Be real. Listen. I’d add: Be respectful and kind.

I had a chance to listen live to Neal deGrasse Tyson, the renowned astrophysicist, weeks ago. One takeaway from it is that the human species and everything else on this planet are made from stardust. From dust to dust, all of us. The Other is in fact not an other. Time for that coffee. Make it a mocha.

Joel Villaseca (joel.villaseca@gmail.com) is a lawyer living in New York City.