What I want

“What in the world do I really want?” This is a question for myself that I lifted from the book “Hope for the Flowers” by Trina Paulus.

I am employed as a university instructor. I got the job in November 2014, long before my graduation in July 2015. The university needed an MS degree holder in food science and I was invited by a former classmate to apply. I thought it was perfect. Right after finishing my thesis defense, I landed a job where I can practice my passion—to create food products and to teach. The salary was not a problem to me although it was just enough and it came late, obliging me to seek my parents’ financial help at that time.

But I loved teaching the less privileged students in my province. I felt I was exactly where I wanted to be in the world—the place (near the beach, so I can visit the shore as often as I can), the people (I speak the same language, Ilocano, and I have the same traits), and my job (lots of research opportunities, and my boss is so supportive).

After a semester of teaching, I easily got a plantilla item. This brought happiness to my parents who believe that employment is the best way in life to live decently. I can’t blame them, because they have been sacrificing a lot and living in poverty since they were young. They taught their children to study hard and get a job. And you will never be poor in your life, you can eat when you want, and rest after the day’s work, unlike them, they said. My parents are into handicrafts. They produce buri hats which they sell at a very low price; they work day and night and never pay themselves. I feel the biggest responsibility as their eldest child to lift them from poverty now that I’ve got a job.

Thanks to a scholarship from the Department of Science and Technology, I was able to continue my graduate studies and acquire a science degree. Back in the University of the Philippines, I also discovered my interest in food and nutrition security. I dream that someday I will be back in the academe, studying this field for the benefit of many people as my dissertation.

One of our roles as faculty members in the university is to extend technical assistance to anyone who wants to set up a small livelihood, especially women, farmers and food producers. Even the employed would love to learn food processing techniques in order to gain ideas for a sideline: Think of jams and jellies, souvenir wines, naturally fermented vinegar, shelf-stable products like bottled and processed fruits and vegetables, dairy products—name it and we have the technology to share and demonstrate. I was able to tap the best and the first grape farmer in La Union and assisted the farm in generating food products from grapes and guapples.

At one event held by the agriculture training institute, I demonstrated how to make wine and vinegar from dragon fruit, and everyone was excited to learn how easy and how adaptable the technology was. Many other food processing demonstrations followed. And each time, I realized that I, too, wanted to start my own business apart from offering technical help to anyone interested. Little by little, the entrepreneurial value that my parents have unconsciously demonstrated to me since I was a child became a voice in the back of my head, sometimes making me a little uneasy.

I told my parents about my dream of a food startup, and I received a mouthful of advice. I should take things easy since I am still young and build on what I have started. I should live life “one bite at a time.” I should live in the present and stop thinking of a distant future. I should wait.

But I need to do something other than wait: to plan the life I want, and to plead to God to bless my plan and make it come true. So: “What in the world do I really want?”

I am young. I know there is more to life. I am always unsure of the future even if my fellow teachers say I am very lucky to enter the government service so early. The head chair and the dean tell me they are seeing the best future in my career development as a teacher, and they encourage me to apply for a PhD right after my two-year probation.

Indeed it’s fascinating ,but somehow I feel that something is missing. I think I am losing a good opportunity to do what really matters in life, in being true to myself. I was confused, but now I know I want to learn and experience new things, and go to new places. I think I am just being idealistic at this age. Besides, if I leave my job now and be true to myself, my family will be disappointed. But then, if I don’t start now, then when?

The drive is so strong to create a path to the future, to the vision in my mind:

I will build a home with the person I love the most. We will have a small place we can call our own. We will practice permaculture and he will take over the production of organic and fresh produce. I will build a food laboratory where I can experiment on a startup idea of food products and develop a prototype. Food product development is my strength. I will handle all the analysis needed to determine if a product is safe for consumption and if its physico-chemical qualities meet the standards. I will use only natural ingredients and preserve or enrich a product’s nutrients. I will sell my products to businesspersons who would like to adapt that prototype.

I will also manage my own food processing plant for which I will employ workers. We will build a farmer cooperative and they will produce the crops for use in the plant. We will hire people to sell the products in different places, and to innovate on the products. We will help them adapt the same value.

And most of all, I want to be a mother. I want to work at home and instill in my children good morals and values, and to be the best support that my husband will need. I want a typical Filipino family living in harmony with God, with Mother Nature, with neighbors and other people, and with ourselves.

That is the best lesson I have learned from home, and I want to replicate that harmony in my own future family.

I know, there are many things I want. My father will agree that I dream of so much. He once told me that I cannot dream of and do so many things in life because our time on earth is limited. But I so badly want to fly that I am willing to leave whatever job I have right now, if necessary. I know it will not be easy, but I need this courage. I need to learn, to have mentors, and to share myself and what I know with others. There are many things I need to learn and unlearn. It will take time and I need to seek help to learn everything: personality development, interpersonal skills, entrepreneurial values, harmony—everything I lack.

I would love to share an immense spirit of love and harmony with other people. I am in need of enlightenment and guidance.

Meryl A. Bernardino, 25, is an instructor at Don Mariano Marcos Memorial State University in La Union and describes herself as “a student of life, a dreamer, and a food security and nutrition advocate.”