Twentysomething
As kids, we feel invincible and think that everything is possible. We daydream about our future, the places we will discover and the uncharted trails we will take. I don’t know where it came from, but our youth is marked by an indestructible sense of eagerness to spread our wings in the pursuit of our great “perhaps.” And then all of a sudden, in our twenties, our vision becomes blurry. An uninvited voice comes and insists that life is not as gorgeous as we imagine. Suddenly we do not know where to head in life.
In fear that I might end up unemployed and broke, I rushed to find a job even before I graduated from college. I was employed before I officially received my diploma. And while some of my friends were taking their postgraduate vacation, I was trying to fit into the wilderness of the corporate world. Though it was quite exciting, I could not hide the fact that the transformation from a student to a young professional was quite overwhelming. One of the most important things I learned was this: No matter how high your GPA is, you still don’t know everything. There are still lots of things you need to learn, things that school hasn’t taught.
After 10 months, when I thought that I was finally doing well, a spine-chilling doubt came creeping in. I would wake up in the morning, stare at the ceiling, and ask myself: “Now, what is next in my life?” It was weird. It felt like there was nothing wrong, but there was nothing right, either.
We are taught that we need to get a degree, get a job, and receive a regular paycheck to be satisfied. But as I move forward, I feel that there is something missing. I’ve started to doubt my theories, and the things I wanted a year ago don’t matter to me anymore. All of these drastic changes—emotional, mental, economical and social—are keeping me in paralysis. I know that I should be doing something else, something that I love, but I don’t exactly know what I mean by that “something.”
Demanding questions keep cropping up. Should I quit my job? Should I shift to another career? Should I get a master’s degree? Should I just be a freelancer? What if I fail? Why am I so confused?
To pull myself together, I took a vacation last December in the hope that I would find the answers to my worries. But the only answer I found was surprising: I am not alone. My friends are sailing in the same boat, and all of these questions are driving us crazy. We are pondering on where we are and where we want to go, who we are and who we want to be. We all feel trapped in this imaginary crossroads of endless possibilities. And though we yearn to make our own decisions, we feel anxious as to whether we are heading in the right direction. Perhaps, the fact that we can do everything is what makes us confused about where to begin.
“Maybe I’m suffering from quarter-life crisis,” I told myself.
This crisis is sucking up my energy, and as I try harder to find answers, the confusion becomes stronger.
As fresh graduates, we usually have silly expectations, and when these expectations hit the harsh reality, we suffer from quarter-life crisis. We expect to land our dream job, earn a six-digit salary, and find a relationship that will last forever. We expect that all things would run as smoothly as we planned, and that we would succeed—we need to—before we hit 30. We talk and act like this is the last chance of our lives and we cannot afford to flunk. We pressure ourselves to surpass the achievements of our parents and to live up to the superficial standards of our society. But the truth is that life is unpredictable.
I was lost in the middle of my contemplation when my grandmother remarked: “The problem with you people in your twenties is that you are too arrogant. You want to understand everything in life. You cannot do that.
“I’m 75 and I still have questions. It’s okay to live with uncertainties. You will find the answers as you go along.”
Her words are a punch in the face of all of us depressed twentysomethings. Why are we pressuring ourselves to understand everything? Why are we so impatient to figure out everything right now? Why are we so cruel to ourselves, saying that we are finished? The answer is obvious. It is because of fear—of the unknown, of failure, of what others will think of us.
The twenties is a time when we realize that we are adults with real responsibilities. Though some of us feel like we are still children inside, we cannot deny that this is real and this is happening. Our generation is technology-indulged and we want things to be served in a couple of minutes. We love stories about breaking records, overnight success, billionaires in their twenties who retire in their forties.
Getting what we want without much effort is the norm. Thus, when things don’t turn out that way, we easily conclude that we are a failure and maybe we are not good enough. We also have Facebook and Instagram, where we publicly brag how beautiful our lives are. And when you don’t have anything amazing to post, unlike your friends who just had a vacation in Hawaii, you feel that your life sucks. When someone is promoted while you are struggling just to keep your job, you feel left behind.
Everyone is so good at comparing.
We forget that life is bigger than what we imagine, that it is pointless to compare ourselves to others and judge our worth based on the cruel standards of society. But hasn’t it been said that our twenties is a time for chasing dreams, failing hard and winning some, learning new things, and keeping on growing? We need to be kind to ourselves, to admit that we are still a work in progress.
I admit that it is still terrifying, but I want to feel it, anyway. Ten years from now, I’ll look back with a smile and thank my twenties for being brave. I may be terrified, but I want to walk with faith. I want to live my twenties without regret; even when I end up empty-handed, I want to stand proud knowing that I did my best.
Today, I still don’t know what I really want to do. I am still confused about which career to take and what to do next. I still have no clue when I will get over my identity crisis. But I have faith that the best is yet to come. I know that everything that I am facing in my life is a piece of a puzzle, of a great masterwork. And just because I don’t know what the masterwork looks like doesn’t mean it’s not being assembled.
And you? Are you ready to face your twenties bravely?
Julie Ruth Gagarin, 21, is an advertising and public relations graduate of the Polytechnic University of the Philippines. She now works as an account executive in an ad agency.
