That special smile

If I could only love, I’d give you the moon and the stars!

Yesterday, I was browsing through Facebook and saw that four people had gotten engaged at the same time. Soon-to-be brides smiling—no, crying—happily, showed off their rings. They had that “special smile” that I think was really reserved for the occasion. I was happy for them.

And then, while my friends and I were having our usual conversation, one brought out a small box—and voila! An engagement ring! He said he’d be proposing soon. We all cried out of happiness, of joy! It was another milestone.

Me? I had mixed emotions. I felt tears flowing down my cheeks. I said I was happy for him, for them, but then there was a part of me thinking: Would I have that moment, too?

I remember a professor telling us that if we didn’t find a boyfriend while in med school, “mahihirapan ka (we’d find things difficult)!” At that moment, I cringed.

I’ve been alone—no, single, on my own—my whole life. Apart from family and friends, I have never had “that moment.” Yes, I was alone, lonely at times, but I was content. I was happy to be able to go to the mall and have “me” time, eating, watching movies, or going to church alone whenever family and friends were not available. I enjoyed the freedom; I never had to ask permission from anyone (aside from my parents) to go somewhere, to meet someone, to do something. I was able to meet a lot of people without someone being jealous or telling me not to. I was lucky to have a happy and complete family and circle of friends who are always there. But at some point, I wanted someone to share my “special smile” with.

There were many moments when I thought that maybe this guy was the one. But in those many moments, the sentiment was only one-way. A lot of times I was only daydreaming. Much time was wasted on the wrong person. Too many letters were written for one who would not write back, too many songs sung for one who only half-listened, too many cups of tea shared with one who’d rather drink coffee. And too many sunsets witnessed with one who preferred watching the sunrise.

Sometimes I questioned myself: What’s wrong with me? Should I change something? Lose weight? Choose a new hairstyle? Put on more makeup? Or am I too overpowering? Too talkative? Filipino culture teaches us that women who are silent, demure, and keep to themselves are more desirable. But I am completely the opposite. I love adventure, I like saying what I feel, I love doing what I do. And I’m loud.

I’ve always wanted to know how it is to have someone waiting for me, even for hours, just to get me home safely. Someone thoughtful enough to give me time, someone to grow and grow old with, someone to sing to me, someone who’ll write letters to me, someone to cry or laugh with during moments when I can’t tell anyone else. Someone who will give me his heart. Someone to share my “special smile” with.

Some say, “Learn to wait.” Others say, “Make a move!” However, the best advice I have heard is: “Pray for him.

He will come.”

I’m afraid to grow old alone. But I’ll just hang in there, love my family and friends who deserve my love, care for my patients, and serve the Lord.

And maybe one day, someday, I’ll smile.

Clarisse E. Cledera, 24, is a senior medical intern at University of Santo Tomas Hospital