I forgive you

Today I wept for you. I woke up early and didn’t know what made me think of you. You simply crossed my mind and I suddenly felt your pain and emptiness. It must have been painful and lonely. I’ve never really felt compassion toward anyone. But I wept for you, for your pain. You must have lived a lonely life.

My mentor always says that only unhappy people can do horrible things to other people, like what you did to me and to many others, and to find solace in someone else’s misery. I can only agree because we kind of know your “acceptance” issues. But I never really knew how it was for you. How painful it must have been. How lonely.

I know emptiness and pain, but I never tried to understand you from that perspective. How could I be so judgmental, when I know darkness and loneliness very well (but maybe not even half of what you know). You must have been lonely even though you have a lot of things that other people can only want. How terrible it must have been for you to aim for and get all the titles and power, and yet not find fulfillment in any of it. How deep the void must have been.

Today I finally found forgiveness. I never thought that I would be able to forgive you even if you have not paid for what you did to all of us, the trouble and suffering that you caused. But whenever I meet people who became a victim of your wrath, I always find them happy about certain things, and we always have a laugh about what you did to us, no matter how terrible it was.

Yet I never heard of you being happy or content amid your professional and economic successes and your power play.

Now I forgive you because I know darkness and emptiness, and how lonely and painful life can be. It’s hard to live with pain in your heart but at least it makes you feel alive. But after the pain, when darkness and emptiness fill you, I know that loneliness is still better.

Forgiveness and compassion—I never knew that I would feel these today toward a person I never loved and who caused me only pain and trouble, who scarred me and made me jaded. All the things you did to me, to us, I carried for years. I never knew that until now.

I hope you find your peace. I hope you finally leave us in peace.

Roxanne Gale R. Villaflor, 25, is a freelance researcher and project development officer.