When I die
GENERAL PROFILE: 23 years old, male, single, smart, talented, responsible and perhaps stupid in many ways. Health: Excellent. Personality quotient: Tolerable, slightly aggressive. I.Q.: Slightly above average. Waistline: Slightly above average.
These are the stuff you normally reveal in the process of job hunting, ultimately leading to the inevitable question in the interview: “How do you see yourself five years from now?” And take it from an expert, you only have to use these formulaic lies, I mean, lines: to get my master’s degree, earn five years of meaningful experience, buy a car or a condo unit, visit Japan and other countries, and make the most of life. Remember this is just an advice; what’s really important is that you have to be true to yourself during interviews. But then if I were to be really true to myself, my answer to that all-too-familiar question would simply be: “I’d rather be dead.”
Last March 3, a Cebu tabloid carried one of the most memorable and funniest headlines I have even seen: “NAMATAY SA SEX.” The news was about a 57-year-old American who died from cardiac arrest while performing the act. Weird as it was, I found the guy’s death dramatic, and deep inside me I admired him.
Of course, there were more dramatic deaths throughout history. My all-time favorites are Jose Rizal’s martyrdom at the Luneta, King Leonidas’ last stand in the Battle of Thermopylae, Ninoy Aquino’s assassination on the tarmac, Princess Diana’s car accident, and Jesus Christ’s crucifixion. These are deaths that captured the interest of millions and in many ways influenced the world and the course of history. Perhaps people are interested to study the lives of these great persons because of the way they died.
For many months now, I have been fascinated with death—mine, to be exact. I have actually come to the conclusion or rather the delusion that I would die soon, that I would die as a young man. Of course, I have dreams I want to reach. I want to meet and befriend many people, earn lots of money, see the world and visit the places I have only seen in the movies. But then with those things in mind, I realize that death isn’t really so bad after all. Its coming is inevitable, and the fear of death only makes us live and appreciate life to the fullest.
With death waiting in the shadows, I find myself treasuring every detail of my life—from the past to the things that are yet to come. I appreciate the day I fractured my left elbow because that was also the day I bought and first savored the taste of hamburger. I am blessed to be born with a speech and facial handicap because I cannot stand a situation where anyone among my loved ones would have those defects. I am thankful to all the girls who broke my heart, because they were like northern stars that led me straight to my one and only. And just last night, I climbed to the dormitory’s rooftop (a crime punishable by forced eviction, according to Kuya Felix) just to see a couple of stars in the sky. Being there all by myself was simply wonderful. I never felt so peaceful in my entire life.
Now that I have mentioned my possible expiration date on this Earth, it is time to discuss how am I going to die. Based on my own assessment, I am not likely commit suicide since I am not the “emo” type of guy. Vehicular accidents are also unlikely to cause my death since I don’t know how to drive a car, much less ride a motorcycle (which is really a shame since we have two at home). The idea of being kidnapped and tortured to death is quite gruesome, but I am sure it won’t happen to me because we are not rich. The possibility of an angry father killing me with a shotgun is also remote since I don’t date a policeman’s daughter.
From this process of elimination, I have narrowed the possibilities to a few scenarios. First, I could fall from 41 stories above the ground on my first attempt at Crown Regency Hotel’s Sky Walk Experience. Second, the plane taking me to Manila could crash near Mayon Volcano due to bad weather. And lastly, I might uncover a conspiracy involving massive corruption in the government and some politicians would order a hit on me. The last is surely the most dramatic, but it is purely a product of my imagination.
The truth is that I really don’t have an idea of how I will die, or when it will happen. What matters is that I lead a good life and that people will remember me in a positive way because I am afraid to be forgotten as much as I fear death. I want people to know before I leave this life that I tried my best to live a normal life, that I made my parents proud of me, that my blood donations were not a waste, and that I always wanted to become a good friend to everyone. Every night I pray that my death will cause another person to live.
When I was born, I was crying and everyone around me was smiling. When I die, I want to be smiling even though everyone around me is crying.
<em>Lester Glenn Tabada, 23, is a certified public accountant and works as an auditor in Crown Regency Hotel in Cebu City.</em>
