It’s okay to be 20 and confused

Maybe the scariest thing in life (and can be the funniest, too) is preparing for the future and yet not really knowing what to do when it arrives right in front of us. It’s like having a map but being lost, not knowing exactly where to go. It’s like wanting choices but ending up in circles for having a difficult time choosing among them. It’s like wanting this and that, but not really knowing what we really want. It’s tragic.

Months before I graduated last June, I was swamped with a lot of school and organizational works that I thought would end me right there. I was so tired that, every day, I had to remind myself that I would graduate soon anyway. Many times, I told myself, “Gusto ko na grumaduate! Gusto ko na mag-work! Ayoko na!”

Little did I know that months later, I would want to take back everything I said, and even would want to just go back to school instead of having a really hard time figuring out what I want to do with my life now that I am a graduate.

Last year, I had my life all planned out. I took the Philippine Law School Admission Test and fortunately passed it. I thought all I had to do was that, after graduation, I would enter law school and, hooray, study again so I could fulfill my dream in a few years’ time. But that did not happen. A series of setbacks beset the family, and we had to postpone my entrance to law school. It broke my heart, but what could I do when it was for the best? That was how I got here as a lost girl trying to find her way out of Neverland.

I tried looking for jobs that would fit my knowledge and abilities and submitted applications to a lot of companies, without realizing that I was already putting a lot of pressure on myself and that I had become impatient. I was desperate. What is sad is that in the Philippines, even if you have an academic degree or an impressive résumé, there is never a guarantee that you can be employed immediately, especially if you are a fresh graduate of a nonboard course.

Life after graduation became sadder when there were many things that bothered my mind and heart. There were more times where I questioned what I was doing and whether I was okay, than those times where I felt confident that everything would be all right. I lost the motivation, and lost myself along the way.

Weeks after I was hired for a job, I decided to quit. I didn’t even last a month, but I did it to keep my sanity. Writing is what I love doing; it was supposed to make my job enjoyable, but as days passed, I found myself feeling that it was no longer fulfilling. It was a tough decision to let go, especially since I was only starting, but just like what a friend told me, “Know that it’s not a bad decision kasi you wouldn’t want to leave if happy ka in the first place.”

That’s when I realized that I have always been bothered about being left behind. And yet, in truth, it has only been months since I graduated from college. Right now, I’m beginning to realize that it’s okay to be 20 and confused. I suppose it’s okay to not know where I want to be yet. It’s okay to need time first and choose myself when I have to. It’s okay to take a break after graduation. And definitely, it’s okay to be 20 and choose to enjoy being young first — to take time to figure out the adjustments.

We don’t have to rush things, do we? Everything needs time, and it’s okay to wait for ourselves to catch up. We will be the great persons we dream to be; the journey may be long, but the destination will be there waiting for us. We’re not going to be lost forever. Neither will we be forever 20. Someday, we will be happy looking back to being 20, and to the times when we made wrong turns and crazy mistakes. By that time, maybe we can already tell ourselves and the world that, yes, it really does get better. We just have to believe—but without skipping the bumpy parts, because they are always part of the journey.

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Cristine Joy Castro, 20, is a legal management graduate from the University of St. Louis Tuguegarao, and a former writer and editor of The Louisian Courier. She dreams of traveling and becoming a great lawyer.