Second opinion

During a Cabinet meeting, President Duterte announced that the recent tests on his esophagus came back negative for cancer. Members of the Cabinet erupted in cheers and congratulated the President. Suddenly, his liver spoke: “Don’t celebrate too early.”

The President and his family went on an unannounced trip to Hong Kong recently, apparently to seek a second opinion. The next day, Mr. Duterte got the confirmation: T-shirts and jackets cost less in Hong Kong.

Chief Presidential Legal Counsel Salvador Panelo is replacing Harry Roque. He is now the President’s chief sanitary engineer.

President Duterte revealed that when outgoing presidential spokesman Harry Roque told him he wanted to resign, he replied, “Sige (Go ahead)!” Breaking: Harry Roque’s heart.

Harry Roque is currently in China for a private engagement. But he’ll be back tomorrow. He can’t wait to consult his family, talk to the President, and update his curriculum vitae.

Alan Peter Cayetano has stepped down as foreign affairs secretary. Reports say he is seeking a congressional post, and wants to be Speaker. Oh, he probably misses it. He’s been very quiet for more than two years now.

Former police chief Ronald “Bato” dela Rosa, who is seeking a Senate seat, was recently quoted to have said, “Galit na galit ako sa gumagawa ng EJKs. Ang gumagawa niyan walang b***g!”  When President Duterte heard this, he sought a second opinion.

Feuding half-brothers JV Ejercito and Jinggoy Estrada are both running for senator. But JV, who pushed for the passage of a bill banning political dynasties, believes it’s not acceptable to have two Estradas in the Senate. The Cayetano siblings were like, “Okay lang ’yun!”

Folk artist and staunch Duterte supporter Freddie Aguilar has filed his certificate of candidacy for senator. Aguilar is a cultural icon whose music we grew up listening to. I can’t wait to not vote for him in 2019.

Anson Tuana, a 39-year-old senatorial aspirant who also filed his COC, claimed he was an ex-boyfriend of Mocha Uson. Avid Mocha supporters say Tuana is a liar who’s good at spreading lies. To which Tuana replied, “That’s exactly why we clicked!”

In Makati City, siblings Junjun and Abby Binay are on a collision course, as both have expressed interest in running for mayor next year. Taking a potshot at his sister’s “different” style of governance, Junjun said he carries the “Binay brand, the brand of governance that my father did for the people of Makati.” To which the Makati City Hall Building II said, “I know, right?”

The Philippine Drug Enforcement Agency (PDEA) said methamphetamine hydrochloride or shabu has “flooded” the streets of Metro Manila. When told about it, President Duterte ordered the PDEA to take over the operations of the MMDA.

Prices of basic commodities continue to rise, but the cost of shabu has reportedly dropped by more than a third. This has prompted the President to revamp his economic team to include people from the Bureau of Customs.

Former assistant presidential communications secretary Mocha Uson claims communist rebels are to be blamed if she gets killed. The country is in crisis. We don’t have the luxury of fairy tales. Next issue please.

At press time, nobody has won the more than P1-billion Ultra Lotto 6/58 jackpot. To the administration candidates, congratulations in advance!

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Marcelo Landicho is more popularly known online as the award-winning blogger and political satirist The Professional Heckler. On Twitter: @HecklerForever8; blog archive: professionalheckler.com