WHEN MY friends break up with their boyfriend or girlfriend, the one line that I hear most often is: I will find somebody new.
And quite literally, they find someone to flirt with to relieve the pain or to supply what was lost or never redeemed in their past relationship. The person that is the subject of the brokenhearted is normally called a rebound, and this person may or may not be conscious that he or she is but a “panakip-butas” to mitigate the pain of the death of a romantic relationship.
I can’t say that I have not done this because once in my life I have. But I have also been a rebound—more than once, I should say—and I found out the hard way. Just when you thought that the sparkle in their eyes was for you, when the lingering gaze they set upon you as you stare into the openness, when the silence when you’re together was already comfortable, when you thought the emotion was genuine, when your attachment was starting to turn into something else, that’s when it happens.
That’s when you get the “You’re just a rebound for _____” text message, or the call from the credible friend or acquaintance that confirms it. Worse, that’s when you finally admit what you feel and she or he says: “No, I’m sorry, I don’t feel the same way.” Yes, just when you feel like your love life is finally falling into place, that’s when it hits you hard.
That is why I detest this idea—of evading pain by replacing someone special with someone you play “pretend” with. I have learned that in order for one to mend the pain, one must face it, not try to escape it, and one must learn to love again, but not instantaneously, and not necessarily with another person but most especially with oneself.
My biggest breakup was with my ex three years ago. Yes, we were young, but that doesn’t mean what we felt and shared wasn’t real. I lost myself in the relationship because I changed so much of me in order to fit into what he thinks a girlfriend should be. Because I loved him, I did so. Love makes you do that; it makes you do crazy things.
But when happiness left, it dawned on me that I no longer recognized myself and that what was paramount was my love for him. It was a good love that we had, and a good love was enough, so I drew the line even though it was killing me inside, even when a few days later every cell in my body was longing for him and begging him to get back with me.
Yet I refused, and I did not search for a rebound, a panakip-butas. I faced the pain of my decision, and in the process I found myself. I found so many new things about myself that I had missed out on because my relationship did not allow me to grow into the person I am now. And I’m glad that I have.
I can really relate to Taylor Swift’s transition from “I Knew You Were Trouble” to “Out of the Woods” because I have been there, too—from being lost to finding myself. So the next time you lose a love, don’t find a Band-Aid, find the alcohol.
“She lost him but she found herself and somehow that was everything”—Taylor Swift, “Out of the Woods” (music video extro)
Trish Perez, 20, is a mass communication student at the Pamantasan ng Lungsod ng Maynila.