Obsessive comparative disorder
I have something to confess: I can be obsessive about comparing myself with others—not in every aspect of my life, but in many facets of it. It is exhausting and draining but it is addictive, so much so that it can be tougher to quit it than quitting smoking. But you know what’s comforting? It’s that it seems like we are all infected.
The symptoms are displayed at full peak during the holidays. It is the most social and extroversive time of the year, with social calendars dotted with one Christmas party after another, and gift-giving held left and right. It is also that time of the year when relatives far and distant come closer to home, bringing with them not just home-cooked specialties but also yearend reports of the achievements in the past year. It may look like a harmless way of families catching up with one another, but it doesn’t take long before we do the comparing ourselves.
We have all fallen prey to being compared with siblings and cousins. From our kindergarten ribbons to our adult professional careers, the means of comparing hasn’t changed. It may have even intensified. The merit-based system of our educational structure has been ranking students from top to bottom. From the beginning, we have been measured using a yardstick which is relative to the performance of others. Until it becomes who is better-looking, which girl is more curvaceous, whose biceps are bigger, which gifts are more expensive, or whose toys are flashier.
The long tentacles of the green-eyed monster within us extend to our professional lives and our working careers. In this season of alumni homecomings and high school or college reunions, it is not uncommon to feel the anxiety of having to sit through long briefings on how far up the corporate ladder this classmate has gone, or how exciting the current working environment of another classmate is. Once freed from the homogenous enclosures of our schools, we are released into the world completely on our own. And how far we’ve come and pulled through is a hot potato, almost instinctively discussed and assessed. By some strange logic, there is a pervasive belief that it is about whoever gets there first, rather than who has displayed more self-progress.
Our careers falling prey to comparison seems inevitable, but relationships have also been put under the lens of our comparing nature. At a younger stage, it is about which couple are the most good-looking—both guy and girl fit and well-sculpted, like a match made in heaven. Until it becomes a battle of which couple lasted longer, or are more affectionate and doting, or obviously more materially blessed, with their own home or net worth. To enter into a relationship is to compete over someone’s attention and favor. But to stay into a relationship also means to compete over the attractiveness or the depth or the currency of other relationships, to the detriment of our modern definition of love or—for some—of family.
Worst of all is that our predilection for comparing has invaded our politics, at this time in our political life when we are set to elect a new national leader. Our next president will be our representative to the world; he or she will be, not just an instrument of reform and change, but also a model of diplomacy and civility in the international arena where the headlines are crowded by territorial disputes and global unrest affecting all. It has become unsettling for us to reach a point where our only recourse for the upcoming elections is to elect just the better candidate. We are not getting clear-cut plans for poverty alleviation, relief for victims of calamities, economic stability in an unstable region, or our nation’s role in climate change. What we are getting instead is like a display of fruits in a grocery: We will pick one better than the others on the shelf when what we rightfully deserve is top cherry.
For all this obsessive comparative disorder, shouldn’t we all be successful right now when we use others as measuring devices? Shouldn’t our relationships be stronger because we are trying to outdo others? Shouldn’t we have better leaders because we pit one against the other, like fighting cocks in the ring? For all the anxiety and detrimental side effects, does our obsessive comparative disorder bring us some good when we lose, or even when we win? But we don’t. It has never helped us, after all.
I confess that I measure myself against others in the pursuit of excellence, but rather than seeing my edge I just sabotage myself. I confess to testing my relationships in the light of the relationships of others, only to harvest some silly competition in place of affection. And I confess to thinking of voting for any other candidate just to save the country from a particular candidate, only to possibly find myself complaining in the next few years.
In this time of comparison and expectation, what we need to realize is that we grow at different paces and at different times; we love in various ways and in various capacities; we deserve what is the best rather than just what is better than the others. To get ahead in the year ahead does not have to mean leaving others behind. It is as simple as setting one foot forward and the other next, when others are elbowing each other for that first step.
“Comparison,” as writer William Wilson said, “depletes the actuality of the things compared.”
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