Yolo

You only live once. Funny how people use this line so much, whether in hipster-ish Instagram posts, in Facebook statuses with the locations turned on to show the name of a zipline resort, or in their Twitter bio. Somehow, people are living vicariously through a four-word sentence. But do we understand what it means?

I’ve heard people say over and over that one should “live” and not just “exist.” I used to think the same way. I believed that trying out everything and meeting lots of people are what make life worth living. But when I hit 17, I realized that existing in itself is hard enough. Basically, I was having an existential crisis.

Since then I’ve thought about the fact that I am here on this earth for an unknown reason and purpose, and this uncertainty makes me crave something I don’t even know. Suddenly, everything seems so mundane and complex at the same time. Paradoxical? Definitely.

There are just so many decisions to make and tons of things to consider: having so many things that I want to achieve yet not knowing what I truly want; panicking because I have only one life that I want to live out passionately, but there are so many limitations. With these realizations came the idea that I exist. Everyone just wants to be happy but life isn’t the kind to make it easy. Then again, the limitations make it the value and the worth. These conflicting factors come into play, and again the question looms: What are we doing with our one life?

You may think it’s funny because existing is just a technicality—occupying space, being “here,” etc. What I mean is: You must realize that you, as a person, have a consciousness and identity that are truly your own, and no matter who or what influences your life, who you become and what lies ahead of you are solely dependent on that fact. We don’t get do-overs. Second chances will never demerit the first shot we did (and possibly messed up). Every experience, mistake, word, and memory are a one-time deal.

This makes life both fascinating and scary. When you “live,” these things occur to you in the subtlest way possible, and you get to go back to whatever it is you were doing; on the other hand, when you realize that you “exist,” you dwell on these things, which make everything very complicated.

I guess “living” is very instinctive. We crave human interaction, knowledge, affection, and maybe a hint of danger and adrenaline because we are hard-wired to be like that. But “existing” is a result of introspectiveness that not many people have. In contrast with our nature as a species, it is seeking out human connection, wisdom, warmth, passion and freedom.

“Have the courage to exist” is a message that I have plastered on much of my stuff and have tried to tell other people. It’s not from a famous philosopher or novelist, but from my favorite YouTube personality Dan Howell (also known as danisnotonfire). I love it mainly because it reminds me that existing is in itself a struggle and that it’s okay if you don’t try to be as daredevil-ish as other people. “Living’ is an adventure that we have with others; “existing” is a journey we have with our self. Life is a battlefield, and it’s okay if, at the end of the day, the only person you save is yourself.

To me, living is getting a sense of what life is all about. But existing is being fully aware that you only live once, and experiencing every aspect of living. We live a thousand lives in one lifetime and making each of those lives count defines our existence.

Now let me ask: Are you living or existing?

Amanda Bernadette Arambulo, 20, is an organizational communication graduate of De La Salle University and a contributing writer of WhenInManila.com.