A quarter less

FIRST, I graduated at 21 and I was ready to rule the world. Then came an exciting 22, but it was immediately followed by a not-so-good 23. My 24th got me thinking about life and the unknown. Now I am midway through my 25th year of being alive—but am I really living?

Twenty-five is a magic number for me and, maybe, most of us. This year is my silver year and I am definite that I am not hopping onto a happy train. My birthday was almost the same story: I planned to celebrate it with “firsts.” The night before, I imagined that I would be roaming the busy streets of Manila and letting my feet take charge of the journey. I wanted to be lost and to find unusual places to have my firsts. I even planned to have my first tattoo done on my thin shoulder (declaring “Ang mamatay ng dahil sa yo,” or “To die for you”), or to paint my first graffito on an unnoticed wall of Intramuros (if it’s legal).

Nothing in my “firsts” list happened on my birthday. Instead of wandering the metro, I ended up under my old blanket. I had a first, though: the first time I became afraid of my birthday. I became afraid of adding one more year to my age. I became afraid of living. I became afraid of moving forward.

I now question myself all the time. I ask myself almost everything. I get to know myself more, but my principles are starting to shatter.

It all started in the last phase of my 24th year. I am familiar with the concept of the “quarter-life crisis” because it’s a “thing” among twentysomethings. It was also the frequent topic among my friends over dinner: the upcoming year that we would all have to hurdle. I had promised myself that as I approached my 25th year, I would never experience such a situation. No dramas. I thought I’d never be shaken by this risky thinking.

In my situation today, I am not sure if I am having this kind of life crisis; I have not consulted anyone yet. But I am starting to question my whole being and, worse, my purpose. I am starting to become afraid of the future. I am starting to become pessimistic. Am I one of those people who are walking the Earth unseen?

I have episodes of sadness from time to time that mostly end in depression. It all started when I became unemployed last January. I resigned from my job in order to prepare my papers for an overseas job. Unfortunately, I got lost in the time frame and I prematurely ended my contract with my company. As I write this, my visa and other documents are pending; I am still waiting and anxious.

If you are familiar with the feeling of nothingness, yes, that is what I feel right now. Yes, I have no stress from work, no schedule to be followed—and no salary. Because my brain is not that busy, I think about my life. I focus on finding my identity and what I will do in the near future. Yes, I feel nothing—as if there’s a hole in me that cannot be filled by my principles.

My thoughts have become dangerous. I have started comparing myself with my peers. I know it is not healthy to compare my life to those of others, but I can’t help it. I am only human. How can I find my bearings in life if I don’t have a comparison? After seeing my friends’ wedding photos in Instagram, I ask myself if I want to have a family, too. After seeing the post of my colleague on Facebook that she is pregnant, I imagine myself with children of my own.

I assess my situation every time I have this feeling—and I have this feeling constantly. I have no plan as yet to start a family because I want to travel and see the world. How can I live in a suitcase if I have that kind of baggage? But then again, wouldn’t it be nice if you have someone to grow old with? I want to marry someone, regardless of gender, but I don’t believe in love and in forever. I am afraid to be alone. I think that being lonely as you grow old is the cruelest fate. Still, I have no one. I feel that I should prepare myself for a solo flight. I have no direction to follow and no path to take. The push and pull of ideas sometimes lead to depression, and then maybe acceptance.

I was an achiever back in my student days, but what if I end up with nothing? What if all my efforts are not good enough? What if I make wrong decisions? What if I never become what I intended to be? Those “what ifs” keep me up all night. I had been definite in my goals and I had always achieved them. Today, I don’t know what to do. I have trouble risking something because I am afraid to fail. I am afraid to try, thus it is hard for me to begin. I know that life is a gamble, but first I have to find the courage to bet. I am finding it hard to move along. The future is a scary place, and I now question myself on how far can I go.

My savings account is now nonexistent. I have responsibilities to my family: I have mouths to feed and medicines to buy. I often get scared that I cannot live up to my duties. My pride is killing me. The pressure is on me because I have the capacity to work. But I have dreams, too—dreams that are on hold because of my responsibilities. I love my family so much; I will work to make them happy but my own happiness is at stake.

This dilemma is what’s preoccupying me nowadays. If I follow my dreams, I’ll cut short my family’s monthly support. I sometimes dream of winning the lottery so that all my problems will be solved, and so that I’ll be free from guilt once I push my personal happiness. These thoughts lead me to sadness, then depression, and some suicidal considerations. Mostly, I end up sleeping more.

But to be clear, my 25th year is not always dark and gloomy. I have moments to value also. I am aware that my life is a bit shaky right now because of some thoughts that weaken me, but I also believe that I can find a way and make my life worth remembering in my sunset days. I have promised myself that I would stop making comparisons. I remind myself every day that my journey is different from others’. I am hoping that the remaining days of my silver year will be awesome. I will seek wisdom through my family so that I can find inner peace. I will inhibit myself from negativity. I will keep telling myself to move forward and keep on going even though I don’t know what the future has in store for me. I will keep the faith. If being alone is my fate, then I will be the most contented virgin in the world. I’ll await death in my bed with a big smile on my face.

I am now halfway through this year. I am hopeful that I can turn my life around. It may not be that easy because I am now at the dark bottom, but with the help of some chocolate bars and a good mindset, I am confident that I will be okay by the time I say goodbye to 25. I am a quarter less right now, but I’ll be a quarter more soon.

Romel A. Arrobang, 25, is preparing for employment as a data analyst for a Portuguese company in Angola.