The great unknown

In June of 2008, I was as fresh as a college freshman could be—bright-eyed, hopeful, excited. I was 16 years old; anything could happen.

Fast forward to six years later, when I was 22 years old and working off my tuition debt at my school’s scholarship foundation. While e-mailing invites to potential sponsors for a particularly special event, a good friend of mine, Lanz Roco, learned that I was working there and mentioned this fact to his father. Being a former scholar, Lanz’s dad offered me a job at his company, and I accepted. But I had to quit after only a month.

As thankful as I was to be offered a paying job, I had two reasons for quitting. One was the hellish commute from Quezon City to Makati. The other was this: I felt that sitting at a desk sorting through documents sent to and from the office was not what I truly wanted to do. I took up biology in college because I really loved it and I wanted to be a doctor. It’s something I still actually want, but medical school costs money and it’s something my parents—both seniors—are not financially equipped to fund.

This was a marker of how off-track my life had gone from how I originally thought it would go. It’s like that line from “The Last Time I Saw Mother,” one of my favorite books: “How many of us grow up living the life we always dreamed of?” I had thought that by now I’d be well into med school. The reality, though, is that I’m not.

During this time of unemployment, I’ve been living with my mother in my sister’s house in the province. Sitting on an old swing one afternoon, I got to thinking about my friends and their chosen paths in life. Take my (guy) best friend, Christian Llenado, for example. He took up philosophy predivinity in college, wanting to be a priest. During his first year, his friends would ask, “Do you really want to be a priest?” And he would reply: “Yes.” Four years later, if you ask him the same question, he would answer: “Uh, I don’t know.”

In one of our conversations in the past, he told me that after he finished his education, he wanted to get a job at an airline. A few months ago, I phoned him and asked him if he still wanted to be a priest. He let out a boisterous laugh and said, “Do I look like a guy with a plan?”

That’s when it hit me.

People of this generation are asked to lay out a path for their lives as early as high school. They are bugged with queries like “What do you want to do when you get older?” and “What course are you thinking of taking when you enter college?”

There are the lucky ones who don’t have difficulty figuring out what they think it is that they want to make of their lives. I consider myself one of them. For me, it was to become either a doctor or a writer, as I’m told that I have the genes and the passion for both. My late grandfather was a doctor, as are some of my uncles, and both my parents and some of my aunts are journalists. I could even be doctor and writer at the same time, if I could find a way to pull that off.

Even then, even if you know what you want to do with your life, there are so many other options that you can consider. One of my closest friends, Cher Sugod, finished school last year and has since gone back home to Cebu to work there for a year. While she was job-hunting, we talked frequently on the phone and she told me about several interviews she had set but did not show up for. Asked why, she would answer noncommittally: “I don’t know, it’s like I don’t really want it.” Similarly, another close friend of mine finished school last year but has not attempted to look for a job. She even told me, “Maybe I could go from my daddy’s house to my husband’s house, hahaha.” I seriously hope she was kidding.

As for myself, my ambition in life for almost 12 years now (I’ve had this dream since I was in the sixth grade) is to get into a good medical school, become a surgeon, and basically live my dream while benefiting others. I have always thought I would accomplish all this right here, in this country, in the city. It’s where I grew up, it’s where I’m comfortable, it’s home to me. But life seems to have a different plan for me.

The possibility of realizing this dream in another setting has been planted in my mind. See, I was born in the United States, but I have lived here my entire life. Occasionally, my mother and I would visit her second cousin in her home in Makati. In one of those visits, we got to discussing my options for the future, and my mother’s cousin and her

sister-in-law told me that I could study in the United States in order to make good use of my citizenship there. I could study there then come back to practice medicine here.

Initially, the thought of moving someplace completely different scared me; it still does, in fact. But I’ve come to think that maybe it’s not such a bad thing to let change happen. I’ve got my high school best friend of 13 years to keep me company in the United States. As for my family and friends here in the Philippines? That’s what technology is for.

There is an infinite number of variables that come into play in each of our lives. Thus, there is an infinite number of possibilities that can happen for us. There is an infinite number of opportunities that can present themselves to us. There is an infinite number of things we can do and, in the process, maybe we’ll find our niche. Maybe Christian will discover whether he’s better fit for the seminary or the airline business. Maybe Cher will find her dream job or may even be compelled to start her own business. Maybe I’ll stay right here, maybe I won’t.

The new year has just begun. No one can tell for sure what will happen, and I’m only starting to realize that not knowing is really part of the fun. It gives me tingles at my fingertips, just like it does when something amazing is about to happen. I can’t wait.

Louise Nichole P. Logarta, 23, is a graduate of Ateneo de

Manila University.