Mission demolish

I’m fat, weighing more than 200 pounds, and I’d spent my life thinking it’s entirely my fault that the world laughs at me.

This is the main reason anxiety had always been part of my life. I constantly worried about what others would think of me, afraid of seeing them look at me from head to toe like I’d just emerged from a dump, frightened of hearing them call me names. I grew up thinking it was my responsibility to be pleasing to other people’s eyes, but that I was very unfortunate not to have the ability.

Maybe, when you hear the word “baboy,” the first thing that will come to your mind is the image of the animal or the thought of your favorite pork dish. You might also think of the Chinese zodiac or the novel “Charlotte’s Web.” But whenever I heard that word, what I thought of was my own image, and the fear, embarrassment and pain that went with it.

I spent my childhood adapting to those emotions, thinking that maybe I really deserve it and there was nothing else I could do. It was a 15-year struggle. I was doing my best to reach the “point of immunity,” where I could finally laugh at all the names I’d been called and I could say “thank you” for every insult.

But then, in the course of the struggle, I realized how very exhausting it was to take every insult and negative comment without saying a word. It was like being in a boxing match and taking every punch without doing anything in defense. It made me ask myself, “Is this battle worth fighting?”

When I entered the University of the Philippines and was bombarded by theories on social interaction, interpersonal communication, social structure, and human development, I was enlightened that I was taking the wrong struggle and that there is a proper battle for me. I learned that immunity is not yet the trophy, and is not even the finish line. I discovered that the battle is not about being used to the leers and laughs of the people around me, and that victory is when I finally accept that in this world, pleasing others is not and should not be my life’s main goal.

So what if you think that every chair I sit on will fall apart? So what if you don’t see me as a person but as a laughingstock? I don’t care and I don’t think I should.

Beauty? Sexiness? All these are mere constructions of society. Just like your imported bag or your latest gadget, these concepts are manmade. I realized that I should not be afraid to break those structures. Why should I be? Even the sturdiest building can fall apart and be completely ruined. How much more concepts and perceptions?

And all those people, most especially teenagers like me, who think that you deserve to be the laughingstock of this cruel society just because of your physical appearance, let me tell you this: You don’t have to conform to the standards of this world. I say it because I believe that I’m lucky to learn it this early, in my 18th year of existence. And what I want is for you to be aware of it, too, as early as now. Pursue the battle!

Remember that you don’t have to put on too much makeup just to comply with society’s standard of beauty. You don’t have to spend 20 out of 24 hours a day in the gym just to earn the body that this world requires. You don’t have to meet other people’s standards. You can create your own.

That’s the main goal of the battle: to demolish the dominant constructs of society regarding beauty, and to let every person live with freedom from ridicule and discrimination.

Zarrel Gel Noza, 18, is a third year development communication student at UP Los Baños.