The monsters are here again, lurking in the dark corners of my mind. They come visiting on nights like this when I cannot sleep. They know when I am alone, afraid, and defenseless. They do not leave until I cry and scream and feel as worthless as ever. They cut the deepest part of me, leaving me wanting to swim in a river of red.
I choose to tame my demons and try to fight and survive, even if most of the time I end up defeated and wallowing in self-pity for the rest of the night, crying and hoping for someone to come to my rescue. But no one does, and that’s a million times more painful than the pangs of my dangerous thoughts.
My days are no different, only that the demons I fight in the dark are more alive and powerful in broad daylight. They taunt my very existence, devour the little hope I have in living, tell me things I shouldn’t hear, feed me with obnoxious thoughts to which I succumb because I am weak.
I want only sweet peace and kindness, but there is always a finger pointing at me, telling me of some terrible deed I have committed. It seems I make a lot of mistakes, and it seems I am not allowed any.
It feels like I don’t have an opinion on what matters. I am not supposed to resist, or to oppose. I have no control. I am a puppet. I am forced to be someone I am not for the sake of being socially acceptable.
But I don’t want to be a conformist if it means I should cut my edges in order to fit in. I want to be vast. I want to take space, to spread my hair, to walk and run without bruising, to lengthen my smiles, to stretch my bones. I want to go to a place unchained and let the sun kiss my skin. I want to stop pouring so much of myself into hearts that don’t have room even for themselves. I’d like to be myself, to make everything new again, to fix my life so it’s better than before.
I am so sick of feeling bad about myself. I want to be out in the world, to let the world see me for who I am even if I am imperfect. I want to stop pretending. I want to feel love, or maybe feel what it’s like to be loved. And most of all I want to feel comfortable in my own skin and to never be scared of criticism.
This is why, after all I have been through, after being afraid for so long, I am still here. Breathing. Fighting. I can easily surrender but I choose not to because I know better now, and so I am trying to do better. It is so hard to change when one is used to the old ways, but I know deep in me that pain is the only thing that will bloom if I go backward and plant the same seeds.
I trust that this agony will someday fade into peace and I will be one step closer to being free. I am waiting for courage to give me the strength to live the life I want. For now I am letting go of many things, thoughts and feelings, and people who have weighed me down until the water filled my lungs. I am learning how to breathe again without them. It feels bittersweet, but I know this is what is right.
I’ve come to understand that the monsters in my head will always be there, but fear is nothing but an illusion and it is up to me to choose to be afraid—or not. This is my story and beautiful things will be written on every page. My words will come alive, and so will I. Someday I will watch the light grow inside me and the dark will eventually fade to nothing.
There will be no boundaries, no restrictions, no dark corners. I know I will be free.
Camille Acabado, 17, is studying journalism at Bicol University College of Arts and Letters.