Loving You

Life is full of surprises. Many things elude my understanding. Many things happen without us knowing why. Therefore, it is not necessary to understand all things; acceptance is the only thing required.

One day I felt so tired and emotional. I looked out the window, as I usually do during such moments. Ah, the beauty of God’s creation is beyond description. As I looked, I praised God for His beautiful work, and then I felt His presence. Questions arose. If I am physically handicapped, would I still love the Lord? I looked down upon my arms, legs, the rest of my body, and wondered how many things I wouldn’t be able to do, the things I take for granted. And I answered, It would be very tough, Lord, but I would still love You.

If I am deaf, would I still listen to His word? How could I listen if I am deaf? I then realized that listening to God’s word is not only through our ears but also our hearts. I answered, It would be very difficult, Lord, but I will still listen to Your word.

If I am mute, would I still praise His name? How could I praise Him without a voice? Then it occurred to me that God wants us to sing from our heart and soul. It never matters what we sound like. And praising God is not always with a song; when we are persecuted, we praise God with our words of thanks. So I answered, Though I cannot physically sing beautifully, I would still praise Your name.

Suddenly, a flashback. After receiving communion I said to the Lord with a sincere heart, I am loving You but I cannot feel Your love at this moment. Then I asked myself, Do I really love Him? With courage and conviction I said, Yes, Lord, I love You because You are the one and true God. I thought my answer was enough, but I felt guilty and asked myself, Then why do I continue to commit sin? I answered, Because I am only human and not perfect.

Many other questions bothered me, and I could not answer. Why only sing at fellowships? Why seek Me only in times of difficulty? Why ask things so selfishly and unfaithfully?

Tears flowed down my cheeks. Why are you ashamed of Me? Why, in times of persecution, do you cry to others when I offer My shoulder to cry on? Why make excuses when I give you opportunities to serve in My name? I couldn’t answer these questions in my mind, my heart, my whole being. And I realized: Cris, you are blessed. God made you not to throw your gifts away. He blessed you with talents to serve Him. He has spoken to you, but your ears were closed.

Then I asked again, Do I truly love Him? I could not answer, for how could I? I was embarrassed. I had no excuse. I said, Please forgive me, Lord, I am unworthy to be Your daughter and follower. Why does the Lord continue to forgive me? Why does He love me so? How much do you love me, Lord?

I turned to get a handkerchief and my eyes were caught by the crucifix on the wall in my room. The Lord stretched out His arms. I bowed and remembered my vocation story, which started after I watched the movie “Passion of Christ.” Spontaneously I said to myself, I’d like to imitate You and die for others.

Without knowing what it really means.

Maricris G. Malabana, 21, is a CMT (Carmelitas Misioneras Teresianas) novice preparing for the first profession in the Institute for Consecrated Life in Asia.