I learned in my psychology class that the more you love someone, the more you distance yourself from him. It’s probably because you are afraid to show your true colors, my psychology teacher said.
I think that’s what happened to me. I fell in love with someone I admired way too much, and I thought that he would never want me. I have very low self-esteem, and at times when I see him, I become speechless. I feel very embarrassed, because I haven’t accomplished as much as he has. I think I “worship” him too much, and do not put God first. Yes, maybe I did. (If ever I did not put God first, as I seemingly did, I am sorry for it.)
I love him so much, and I am ashamed of what I have become in the past few years. I can’t recall what kind of things I have been doing, as a sense of accomplishment. I think I have developed selective amnesia, or maybe Alzheimer’s; we have that sort of history in the family (including a history of “distorted obsessiveness” when it comes to one’s love life).
I don’t want to ever lose him. I have always wanted to take up psychology, and become a doctor. But then again, I may not make it because I am afraid of the sight of blood. He is a nurse, and I am very proud of him.
That is probably the reason I can’t face him. I don’t think I deserve him. I feel unworthy. A lot of people call me worthless, although I do my best not to be. But then again, just the mere thought of him makes me smile. And that may be, just may be, enough (rhetorically speaking).
Kala Pasamba, 29, works for Essays.ph as a writer.
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