The big D

Many girls wait to find Mr. Right, even until they are old and gray. I didn’t have to wait long. When I was 13 and a high school sophomore, I was promised forever—and I believed.

Well, I didn’t know that when he said forever, he meant as long as I’m in the same place as he. I didn’t know that leaving our little hometown was not an option when I gave him my sweet “yes.” But I received an acceptance letter from the University of the Philippines Cebu, and I couldn’t let that opportunity pass.

When he learned that I’d be pursuing UP, my lover fled to his family’s home in the mountains. He took the news bitterly and I didn’t hear from him after high school graduation.

Before I flew to Cebu in May 2011, I gained the courage to show up at his doorstep after hearing that he was back from his escapade. But he refused to see me. Still I held on to the idea that he was still my boyfriend because we had no formal breakup.

When I got to Cebu I sent him messages of assurance: that it was just a test of our relationship, that I would be loyal, that we wouldn’t let a day pass without hearing from each other, that I trusted him, and that we would do our best to beat the odds. I must have been persuasive. He agreed to give our relationship a chance. We endured a year of I-miss-you’s and wish-you-were-here’s.

Our “forever” officially lasted three years, eight months and 22 days, but if I’m to count it, I’d say it kissed death when I first left for Cebu. What killed such a happy, pure and exciting connection? It wasn’t a third party, jealousy, or craziness. It was the big D—Distance.

Before I continue ranting, may I make clear that I’m not bitter about long-distance relationships. When I see my friends talking on the phone to their guys who are far away, I find it cute but I know it’s not going to work. Why? I have three reasons, learned when I had a fresh, bloody, broken heart.

First, lack of communication can break any mighty duo. Before, you’d know what the other person is up to from time to time, but now, all that you’d ever hear are brief summaries and details that are 8 or higher on the Importance Scale of 10. Sure, technology has made communication easier, but nothing beats face-to-face contact, or the smell of him. No one wants that special one to become just a voice on the phone. And when you try to go the distance for this special one, there’s a literal price to pay as well. When we were still a couple, we spent P25 a day just to talk for 30 minutes. Long-distance phone calls, Internet usage, plane tickets, time off from work, etc. are bound to build a black hole in your budget. Imagine the difference when you have someone so close: You only spend for jeepney fare and pizza.

Second, the key ingredient of any relationship is trust. How can you trust someone who’s never there? How can you, in all honesty, say you’re sure he’s not having a good time with another girl? Trust issues will surface over time, whether there’s proof of a suspicion or none. If your beloved doesn’t answer your calls, apocalyptic scenarios pop in your head. Of course, that doesn’t give close couples the edge because some people cheat even under their partner’s nose. But, again, how much more those who are distant?

Lastly, differences are inevitable. When I first returned home, my then boyfriend’s first comment was that I had changed a lot: in the way I talked, fixed my hair, even how I dressed. Of course I had adapted to Cebu at that time, but for him I was like another person. I’d say this was the greatest factor in our breakup. Sometimes, the one who is left behind thinks that the world is moving forward, without him. So he feels remorse and self-pity, and may actually reach the point of pulling down people so he can keep up. That’s what happened to us. I looked at the distance as a door of opportunity for me to grow. I didn’t realize he looked at it as a door of doom, for the relationship and for himself. He felt abandoned. And I didn’t want to be with someone who can’t work out separation issues—most importantly, someone who can’t build himself.

I once believed in long-distance affairs. There could be many reasons why we failed, and the distance was just the catalyst of our breakup. We were maturing adults at that time. We were growing, and growing apart is falling apart. In this day and age when anyone can call everyone and video chats are pervasive, how can you make each other feel special? I say there’s nothing like meeting at an affordable restaurant, sharing a meal, and making goo-goo eyes at each other across the table.

Erica Jean L. Palmera, 18, of Mati City, Davao Oriental, is a third year mass communication student.