IN FIVE days I will be wearing a beautifully crafted, old rose, sabrina-cut, long gown and a pair of silver shoes with three-inch heels. With my hair perfectly done and my face elegantly made up, I will walk down the aisle with a man I haven’t met before. Nevertheless we will put on our faces a smile of happiness and excitement for the benefit of the guests and spectators, of course.
If memory serves me right, this will be the third time I will be doing this. And since I have been told that experience is the best teacher, I can say that I will be putting up a better performance this time around. I hope that my partner does too.
About a month ago, a friend broke the very exciting news that she was getting married. She told me she wanted me to be one of her bridesmaids. Naturally as a friend I was ecstatic and excited for her. Finally she will be starting a new life with the love of her life, I said to myself.
I had never really given any serious thought to getting married until that fateful day when she broke that news. Among our high school friends, there were just the two of us who hadn’t tied the knot. But soon there would just be me.
The thought of me being the lone unmarried girl in our barkada bothered me somehow. It started me thinking about when I would ever follow in their footsteps. I was worried that I would soon have lunches and dinners or I would be downing bottles of beer in the dark corner of a bar all by myself. It was not that I hadn’t done these in the past. On the contrary, I was quietly used to doing these. Doing such things on my own was fun and felt liberating to me, and I never complained. But I was wondering how it would feel like not to have someone with me at every meal, during beer nights and movie weekends.
Don’t get me wrong, I have had boyfriends. In fact the last one gave me my saddest Christmas Eve ever. We broke off just minutes before the clock struck 12, but the sadder and bluer part about our breakup was that he chose an ex-girlfriend over me. Last I heard, they are getting married in December, and I can’t help but think it could have been me marching down the aisle with him. I just hope they don’t get married on Christmas Day because I am still trying to put together my broken fantasies about Christmas.
After the not-so-happy ending of my last relationship, I told myself I should take a break from my quest of true love and my own Prince William. I had to gather myself and put together a whole new and better me. More importantly, I promised to give myself ample time to enjoy being single and the perks that go with it: freedom and more freedom.
But now that everyone is getting hooked like Prince William and Kate, as well as my girl friend and her man, it seems that my new-found liberty is no blessing at all. For a little while it scared and bothered me, and brought me to a state of panic. I scanned my phonebook and texted my friends for possible text mates, registered on online dating sites and patiently read a lot of profiles of male members (most of them outrageous!) until I could not do it anymore, or perhaps my patience ran out.
Every time I end a relationship and cry over it, everybody tells me that it was not for me to keep and that someone better will just surprise me from out of nowhere and sweep me off my feet. I know these are just comfort words, just like chocolates are comfort food, to make me feel better. But now, I would like to believe these are true. Right now, it is more comforting to believe that such things are indeed possible and there is no need for me to panic. So therefore, eating and drinking out and watching movies by myself will still be just as fun and liberating as always.
People say I am always the bridesmaid and never the bride. I tell myself I am a beautiful bridesmaid and any man will be lucky to have me, just as Prince William was lucky to have Kate.
In five days, I will walk down the aisle with a man on whom I will first lay my eyes as a proud bridesmaid of my dear friend. I will wish her the best and will support her as she starts a new life. As for me, I still have a lifetime ahead to meet my man, my own Prince William.
Porsche Bantilan, 27, is currently connected with the SSS Cebu branch. She is a Political Science graduate of UP Tacloban College.