Single since birth

“I’ve been saving love songs and lullabies.” That’s a line from a favorite song, “It Might Be You.” Then comes the next part: “If I found the place, would I recognize the face?” or something like that. Often I ask myself that question. If there is someone waiting for me at the other end of the line, will I know if it’s him? Or will I, by awful chance, not have the courage and end up letting him slip away?

It used to scare me, but now I don’t mind it. I realized there are certain things that we can’t control, and there are things that are just not within our reach.

As for “saving love songs and lullabies,” I had the habit of buying things for my future boyfriend every Valentine’s Day. My cabinet used to be cluttered by a card, a picture frame, and a heart-shaped, lollipop-like pillow with messages on it, among others. But I sort of got tired of the entire thing and eventually gave the stuff away to other people. Now I’m thinking of taking up the habit again.

Not having a boyfriend since birth has left me exhausted, I guess. A friend told me that my first boyfriend would be quite unfortunate, if I even have one. His point was that I would have a lot of expectations. Another friend said the would-be boyfriend would be lucky.

Regardless, I just know that when I love, I love deeply. Loyalty is one of my traits. When I’m in love, I can be very, disturbingly, loyal.

No, I don’t know if someone is coming or not. But one thing I can say is this: I cannot possibly claim a guy just to fill a void. If I must love, it must be because I’m in love, not because I want someone to fill my insecurities, known as the unattractive-and-boyfriendless-since-birth syndrome. (I’m not saying all women who never had boyfriends are unattractive, but in my situation, I guess that’s one of the reasons, combined with others.) Otherwise, I might as well rent a robot, which can do whatever pleases me.

Kala C. Pasamba, 28, is a writer at Essays.ph.