Samahang Walang Sex

It was a thought-provoking and curiosity-stoking piece of news until I checked out the source: So What’s News, a website that promises “News that won’t get you depressed to read the news.”

The site itself billed the item as “satire,” and you have to pay attention when the site managers warn that it may not be true, or at best deeply exaggerated.

Still, it’s food for thought for women gnashing their teeth at pronouncements by the House leadership that the Reproductive Health bill stands a very slim chance, at best, of being passed before the campaign and elections next year. This means that the proponents of the RH bill will have to start from scratch, assuming they get reelected, and promising more years of tempestuous passage through the rough seas of legislative navigation.

The “news” item is based on reports, quoting House Majority Leader Neptali Gonzales II, that the RH bill will face a tough time getting approved. “The hole which the RH bill has to pass through is getting smaller,” he said, adding that “the time is getting shorter to approve it in the House.” The House leadership apparently plans to shelve any floor debates or a vote on the bill in the next two months since the House will be busy with deliberations on the 2013 budget. Groups reacted to Gonzales’ statement, asking why Gonzales “is conditioning the minds of Congress and the public that the RH bill will not pass.” They point out that legislators have yet to resume their sessions, and “already the leadership is killing the bill.”

Also on the receiving end of the RH bill supporters’ ire are House Speaker Feliciano Belmonte, who allegedly promised to bring the bill to a vote when he was presented with 100,000 signatures in a document calling for the passage of the bill; and President Noynoy, for his “laid-back attitude” toward the bill’s passage and failure to include it among his priority measures.

* * *

Against this background, RH advocates, according to the item on So What’s News, have presented an ultimatum to the largely male legislators, calling on their mates to refrain from engaging (their partners) in sex “until our leaders and lawmakers enact this bill instead of sitting on it.”

Wives of congressmen, a leader assured, have all “promised to abstain from engaging in any sexual intercourse with their husbands until the bill gets passed or voted on.”

“If my husband also believes that the hole in which the RH bill has to pass through is getting smaller, he has to think again, because the hole just closed,” a congressional spouse was “quoted,” adding that “it doesn’t get tougher but it is getting shorter.”

As for P-Noy, the women said, “women across the country also pledged to refrain from entertaining any attempt at courtship or intercourse for that matter by the bachelor leader.” “He won’t be able to reach third base, let alone first base,” said a “very attractive female socialite while clenching her fist.”

* * *

The “news” item led me to imagine a scenario in which an amorous member of Congress approaches his wife, trying to get her to vote in his favor in his campaign for more, uhm, sexual pork.

But unbeknownst to him, wifey has just joined SWS, or Samahang Walang Sex, an offshoot of the campaign to withdraw sexual favors until the RH bill is passed.

“Honey…” mumbles the hardened politico, “it’s been a long day. How about a little tumble to help us both get some sleep?”

“Is that what sex is to you?” asks the indignant wifey, “a sleeping pill?”

“No naman dear, hindi ka na mabiro! (Can’t you take a joke?),” says the husband. “What I meant was… Let’s, ahh, relax for a while, and bring this day to a fulfilling end!”

“And you’ll only be fulfilled by schtooping me?” says the wife, her voice rising.

“I didn’t say that!” husband says, feeling to his dismay his resolve softening. “What’s your problem? Time was you couldn’t wait for me to get home. Remember the time you texted me to say that you were sliding down the stair rails because you were heating up my homecoming treat?”

Wifey glares at him, and congressman begins to feel his courage shrinking. “If you must know, that hole is closed for now, at least until you work your ass off in the House and convince your colleagues to vote now na on the RH bill.”

* * *

Enlightenment, but also a hint of dismay, dawns on the husband’s face. “Aha! So this is a politically motivated attack! Who talked to you? Did my political opponents offer you a trip to Hong Kong, or free botox treatments in exchange for withholding sex?”

“They did no such thing. This is my own personal decision. I’m sick and tired of men having sex without giving any thought to the consequences! I’ve been on pills for 20 years, for goodness’ sake! Did you bother to wear a condom even once?”

“Is this all you want? Right now, I’ll tell my bodyguard to rush out and buy a condom, no, a box of condoms, if that’ll make you happy!”

“Too late, my love! Nothing but the passage of the RH bill could put me in the mood again!”

Hubby punches his pillow in frustration. “But Gonzales said we should just shelve the bill for now because the bishops are threatening to campaign against administration candidates. Imagine what’ll happen to my chances if the parish priest denounced me from the pulpit week after week…”

“Then you can ask that priest what he plans to do with the three children he has with his majordoma…”

The congressman, ever the pragmatist, realizes the futility of further debate. “Very well, if you’re not in the mood, there’s nothing I can do. But be warned, I’m talking to P-Noy about this underhanded tactic!”

“Good luck! Last I heard, he was having a hard time inviting any of my amigas to dinner at Kowloon House!”