Sometimes it’s “apo mo (your grandchild)?” and other times it’s “bunso mo (your youngest)?”
I don’t bother trying to explain why my kids are so young, realizing that the norm in the Philippines is for a very early start with fathering—biologically, that is. I had a nephew who had a son at 15, and that son begat another son also at 15, making my nephew a 30-year-old lolo. I know that’s rather extreme, but it is not uncommon, and I am certain that if we conducted a scientific survey, we’d find the average age for Filipino men to have their first child is probably in the early 20s.
This norm of early fathering also means there’s stigma attached to being an old dad. I’ve certainly felt that, the tone of “apo mo?” being congratulatory while “bunso mo?” is almost accusatory, as in “how could you?” An elderly man with a young child—and in the Philippines, “older” can be in the 40s—is seen as a dirty old man.
In defense of myself and other older dads, I’m going to write today about the pros of late fathering … and fatherhood, with a medical plug toward the end for older men, fathers or not.
Racing against time
Let’s get back to the discrimination against older dads, which I should say isn’t limited to the Philippines and which is in large part the product of biology interacting with culture. Put simply, reproduction at an early age was important when life expectancies were low, which was the case for most of human history and holds true even today in parts of the world. The last Philippine Human Development Report lists life expectancies by provinces, and you’ll find several provinces in Mindanao where the rates are in the low 50s. Visit these provinces and I am certain you will find very young parents, and grandparents, almost as if they were racing against time.
Young fathering, too, was favored because of the energy and strength needed, something I can relate to with my outspoken son’s protests—“Dada, why are you so old?”—when I doze off after coming home from work and he wants to talk.
Yet there are cultures that do encourage older fathering. Just look at the Old Testament and you find old fathers everywhere, Abraham being the prime example. The Chinese, too, appreciate older fathers, and I realized this about a year or two ago when I was at a store with my son, who was chattering away and catching everyone’s attention. A customer looked at me and asked if the kid was my son, and when I said yes, he laughed out loud and said in Chinese, “Lao pe lao, kina gao,” a nice rhyme that means “Old father, smart children.”
I asked my father about that saying and he too laughed, giving an even catchier, but more vulgar, version: “Lao siao, kina gao (Old sperm, smart child).”
Chinese culture puts a premium on age, which is equated with wisdom. So the saying about old fathers and smart children reflects the idea that older fathers pass on more of their wisdom to their young children. I couldn’t agree more. If my children were in their 20s, I probably could still pass on all the lessons I’ve acquired through age, but they would be less receptive than the young children I’m raising.
I’m finding that being an older father is advantageous, too, in terms of security, not so much financially as emotionally. Men tend to have more insecurities, constantly competing with others including their own sons. These insecurities diminish as we age, so an older father is calmer, more patient and nurturing. I think that’s why men who were tyrannical and tempestuous as young fathers are still able to become kinder, more patient lolos.
Are there biological advantages to late fathering? The Inquirer had a front-page article the other day, taken from The New York Times, about a study finding that men who become biological fathers later in life may have children with longer life expectancies. The study was conducted in Cebu City—yes, the same community where the researchers had another study, which I reported on last year, on how testosterone levels drop in men who care for their children.
I won’t go into the rather technical details on fathering and life expectancies today but if you’re interested and have the biology or medical background to decipher the article, you can download it for free from the website of the Proceedings of the National Academy of Science (pnas.org). Type in Dan Eisenburg, the main author of the study, in the search box.
The responses of scientists to that study have been similar: While it’s interesting to know that older fathers might be passing on higher life expectancies to their children, older men shouldn’t rush off to father. There are concerns that harmful mutations in sperm rise with age, which means that just like with older mothers, there are increasing risks for these fathers of producing children with congenital problems.
There are other disadvantages, certainly, that older men risk in the pursuit, not so much of fathering as of a partner. The local Chinese have another wise saying: “Lao hiao, ke he diao,” which means, very loosely translated by a veterinarian, the old horny goat loses all the grass to the nubile goats invited to graze.
Seriously, with astronomical tuition and the extra two years in high school, the financial side of parenting has become even more stressful. I do worry about having to slave away till I’m 80 or, worse, of kicking the bucket before the kids can be on their own. And I’ve faced terrible discrimination, including battling one insurance company that wanted to charge me outrageous premiums to have my kids as beneficiaries, even if I’m healthier and more fit than many younger men.
I’ve seen the consequences of older men who sire children well into their 50s, 60s and beyond, and then die and leave behind young children with little or nothing. On the other hand, I’m raising kids who came from young, healthy fathers, guys who didn’t die but disappeared, so all said, the issue here is of responsible fatherhood rather than fathering.
I will close with one observation: Young kids keep older dads and moms (and lolos and lolas) young, not just by making us exercise more (chasing after them, for example) but also by keeping us socially and mentally engaged. So on Father’s Day, I’m going to say thanks to my Gang of Four, as well as other older men, lolos included, who take up fatherhood with youthful fervor and commitment.
PaDRE
A plug now in behalf of my friends at the Philippine Urological Association who are sponsoring, with government hospitals nationwide, a campaign called Mag PaDRE Ka, Pare. DRE means Digital Rectal Examination, a simple test to check if you have prostatitis or an enlarged prostate. If you’re over 45, a father or not, it’s advisable to have this DRE, especially if you have symptoms like painful or frequent urination (especially at night), lower back pain, and even problems with sexual function. Note that prostatitis doesn’t necessarily mean cancer; the enlargement can be caused by an infection, but you won’t know unless you get yourself checked.
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Email: mtan@inquirer.com.ph