Shaping them young
Can I be the elevator girl?” I was on my way up to the clinic when a little girl asked this of her dad. Wanting to dispel the gloom in the packed space, I volunteered to be her fairy godmother since I was near the elevator panel. Her dad then asked her to hold the button, which I was pressing, and allowed the people to go through.
What a pick-me-upper. Caught up in my own thoughts surrounding a patient whose prognosis was a little concerning, witnessing the sweet exchange between father and daughter was a welcome respite. This eventually reminded me of the discussion I had the day before with colleagues. The never-ending topic: the challenges of parenting.
So how do you raise children?
This was a question that I posted to my younger colleagues. The answers were not straightforward, but all three were in agreement that it all really depends on how the child is. Their stories were a reaffirmation of how parenting styles have visibly shifted from the way we were brought up.
“Apologize when needed.” She doesn’t hold any memory of such an incident happening with her own parents, but her 4-year-old requires that she say sorry whenever her feelings have been hurt, much like what is expected of her when she hurts her mom’s feelings. While this may be unheard of for those raised by an older generation, ours to be specific, she shared that this has not only helped improve their conversations but more importantly, is a way to let her child get to know her better, while at the same time being able to maintain a steady hand. She underlined the importance of having age-appropriate conversations.
“Be firm and consistent with your rules.” She caught her 6-year-old awake at 1 a.m. when bedtime was supposed to be at 9 p.m. When asked to explain, her daughter replied that while she knew the rule, she couldn’t control herself, and that it was hard for her to sleep even when she tried closing her eyes because her mind was still active. When this infraction was repeated the next day, mom gave her the ultimate warning that if she didn’t follow, her birthday celebration wouldn’t take place. To this, her daughter countered that that could not be possible since the invitations had been made. Mom replied that even if it was the case, these still had not been sent out. You can guess how things proceeded from there. Lay down your rules and be sure to stick to them.
“Be present.” You are responsible for controlling what your children get exposed to, including the pace at which you introduce them to the realities of daily living and life in general.
In my experience as a pediatrician, regular clinic visits offer a window into family dynamics. The most well-behaved children are those whose parents are more hands-on. This doesn’t mean that they don’t have outside help. They just consciously choose to arrange their schedules to ensure that if both cannot be present, one of them should be. While some are lucky to have family members who can act as surrogates, they still cannot take your place. For that brief time wherein your children recognize you as the principal figures in their lives, take advantage. For all we know, these may be your children’s core memories of you. While some may argue that it is no longer possible to have a one-income household given the high cost of living, why do some families manage?
“As parents, show that you have respect for each other.” Children are extremely sensitive and impressionable. They mirror what they see from you. Being a parent is a huge task because as you go about instilling discipline in your children, you also learn to discipline yourself. Rules are made to be followed and are best written in black and white. Live what you preach. Children can easily turn things around when they see that you are the first one to bend the rules.
My two younger colleagues who have been involved in the discussion occasionally bring their children to the office. They bring us joy because of the way they conduct themselves. Children will always say it the way it is: with no filters. They are hardly on their gadgets and choose to interact with their self-proclaimed aunts and uncles. At times when they get rowdy, their mothers call their attention and speak to them in low voices. That is enough for them to be reminded of how to behave. In those instances, they will choose to quietly entertain themselves as they know that people have to work.
We always say that the youth of today is harder to discipline. Maybe we should also reassess if we are behaving in a manner befitting the responsibilities that we have as the older generation. Shouldn’t we know better?
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