Here is something I learned during my pre-med days—healthy, oxygenated blood is cherry red. Loud red, the color of passion and conviction. I didn’t end up being a doctor after all so calm down, this won’t be a rambling, highly technical medical paper.
Do you remember the childhood fairy tales we all grew up hearing? No? Here’s the formula, stop me when it starts clicking for you.
In the blue corner, the naive, soft-spoken, patient, empathetic, understanding protagonist who spends their downtime conversing with animals and/or inanimate objects. In the red corner, the malicious, heartless, bitter, unforgiving, conniving antagonist whose problems I suspect would be solved partially if they just learn how to have a decent self-care weekend. Sounds familiar? This is the age-old good versus evil conundrum. Light and darkness. Heroes and villains.
The immortal story of human culture tells us that we are either on the good side, generally the winning side, or the other side, generally not recommended for one’s own sake and the collective’s as well. But here’s the hole in this argument—neither side exists.
One day you’re 6 years old, playing with your friends when children start doing what children do best—fight over the most stupid things. An argument breaks out, a playmate starts crying in the background because the other kids were making fun of her, and for the first time, you feel anger. Not the kind of anger you felt in the crib when your diaper was making you feel uncomfortable and nobody was coming to the rescue soon enough. No. This one’s more primal and, you feel, more dangerous. It leaves a bad taste in the mouth. Good girls are not supposed to feel this emotion.
Next thing you know, you’re 15 and fresh out of Catholic school. A fairly good daughter, friend, classmate, student, person. Your whole education up to this point was conducted to the tune of organized religion. The Holy Bible, plenty of don’ts, a sprinkling of do’s, and a whole lot of guilt and fear.
Every bad deed is one step closer to the inferno. Say your prayers and live a life of kindness, generosity, and humility. Persecute the sinners, deny them happiness and basic human respect. They are not on our side, for they chose a life of evil. And yet one can’t help but wonder, how do you classify people who preach unconditional love on podiums and elaborately decorated altars and spout such unadulterated hate in the streets?
But now, you’re 29 and have your fair share of sins. How many people have you hurt lately, accidentally or otherwise? Taking the concept of God out of the picture because that merits a separate longer discussion, pain inflicted is a sin committed. Going back to fairy tales and happily ever afters, one is good only if one is constantly doing good things. The second an act of evil is committed, say goodbye to your dwarves and pick the juiciest apple to go with this vial of poison. Snow White, you’re one of the bad guys now.
A reminder that I am writing this in the real world, the same world you’re reading this in right now. Things aren’t as black and white around these parts. And that is okay.
Gray is the color of that one part of our brain that deals with reasoning and decision-making. Decisions such as leaving a relationship that has stopped being beneficial to all parties involved. Or cutting off abusive people for one’s own well-being. Decisions that are, as selfish as they may sound, ultimately for the best in the long run.
Gray, like our parents’ hair. The unwritten understanding that we are not perfect children the same way they are not perfect parents in the most pragmatic sense of the word. And yet we forgive and love each other anyway, because what else is there to do?
Gray ashes of a lit cigarette, on a moonless Saturday night while we’re nursing a broken heart. The indignation and bitterness we feel for all the people who have disappointed and hurt us slowly melt into shame and sadness when we realize we have caused the same pain to others sometime in the past.
Until finally comes acceptance of our humanity and frailty. This is life and there will always be pain and suffering. We are not gods and we will do good things sometimes, and bad things in between them, and spend the majority of our time just living and trying.
I don’t bleed bright red holiness and I’m fine with that. Are you?
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Pauline A. Araki, 29, says hi to everyone.