Sometimes, we tend to overwork ourselves, not noticing that we are too exhausted to the point that we are slowly forgetting what rest really feels like—hence, worst, rest does not exist anymore in our systems.
We all deserve to rest after a long, tiring day from work or study. It is when you give yourself the relaxation it deserves; maybe a good hot bath or a sumptuous dinner, something to treat yourself to because you again survived another day of stress and challenges. You’re alive and doing well.
I work in a government agency during weekdays and on several occasions, I am a private academic commissioner. I have quite a number of regular clients and I serve them during the night, either weekdays or weekends.
I render my eight hours to my regular work for five days straight and work nearly four hours during the night. Well, I am my family’s breadwinner, and so I needed to figure things out, I needed to go the extra mile just to provide and support them.
Coffee and alcohol are my primary necessities as I work, I need them just to numb whatever feelings may come out in my system. I need to be that tough so that I will not fail those people who believe and rely on me.
But, if the wave of emptiness and exhaustion hits you, you will automatically shut down.
It was just a normal day when realizations suddenly slapped me. When was the last time I slept early without feeling guilty? When was the last time when the word “rest” came out of my mouth?
A lot has changed.
I have changed. Maybe for the better? But I think there are those certain changes that consumed me so much that I didn’t even notice that it is not me anymore; that I am lost.
I just kept on working and working. Maybe it was to mask whatever feeling may come out within because I am all alone in the city figuring everything out. I needed to make tough decisions. I needed to go into emptiness because there was no one beside me.
Taking a five-minute break from my work is a lavish blessing, an opportunity for me to escape whatever the world may give to me. I wanted this, and so I needed to endure things because someday all of my hard work would pay off—or so I thought.
I used to rest so much—I procrastinate a lot. I cram projects and reports. Adulting is really something you have to deal with. You’ll regret everything if you keep on ranting and escaping things, you need to face the reality that the real world is a battlefield of confidence and patience and the talents you can offer.
Some say I am lucky just by the thought that I landed a job immediately after my graduation. What they didn’t know is that I forced myself to look for a job due to the pressure on my back that I needed to carry because, alas, I am now the breadwinner. That the purpose after my graduation is to give back to my parents.
I am not in any way complaining. However, maybe they could have considered my situation—I studied for four years in college, and my degree program was not that easy to pass. Although it did not have a board exam, I still needed to cool down. I needed to feel what it was like without waking up early in the morning and sleeping late at night to deal with tons of assignments.
Still, I will understand everything. I will accept that God put me on his list of strong soldiers for this year. I will still believe that after all the tunnels I have to walk through, a light will light my way, and I will be sitting down happily looking back at what I have gone through to succeed.
But even after all the understanding, the patience that I have given to everyone around me, I am still that little girl longing for a pat on the back, wanting to hear the words “You should take a rest, you look exhausted.”
I am just denying the fact that I am not drained when, in fact, I am drained to the core. That I am dying from within, but even my closest ones do not notice that I am breaking down in silence.
That thing may be a talent of mine, an eldest daughter’s expertise.
As for me, taking breaks is my guilty pleasure.
After all of this, one thing is for sure—you are allowed to take a break, you are allowed to feel peace from within. You need to inhale positive thoughts and exhale the negative ones. Even if you feel like rest is a burden, you still need to savor the moment.
You are allowed to take breaks without feeling guilty.
For now, I’ll enjoy my five-minute break, sipping my iced coffee.
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Ivy Jane Guanzon, 23 is a recent communication graduate now working in a government agency. She’s a breadwinner and a frustrated writer.