Lost in the labyrinth of roads

Adults often ask their children: “What do you want to be when you grow up?”

It is also the question that most children don’t find difficult to answer because, even without contemplation, they already know what their hearts desire. They will say they want to become doctors, engineers, teachers, and so many more, as though it’s as simple as picking a fruit from a tree; little did they know that the tree is hundreds of feet tall.

During my high school years, I was often praised by my classmates for being able to answer the questions being asked whenever there were class recitations. They would also compliment me for obtaining high scores whenever there were written examinations or tasks. And, of course, I appreciate them for that.

I’m not smart. I just learn easily. Perhaps that is the reason why I was able to answer questions, whether oral or written. But despite this, I have to admit, I was envious of my classmates. Some may not know the answer to the questions being asked in class recitations or written examinations, but at least they know what to say when asked, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”

I have learned so much in all the years I spent in school. I acquired knowledge, which helped me become one of the top students of our batch in senior high school. But whenever people ask me how I see myself in the future, I become naive and mute. It is a question for which I don’t have a specific answer because until now, I’m still in the phase of exploring myself. I witnessed my classmates being so sure about what they want to become in the future while here I am, stuck in the process of figuring out what I’m passionate about—no definite plan to follow, no certain path to take.

As I reached my legal age, I came to realize that perhaps the reason why I never got to figure out what I wanted to do was the pressure that was put upon me. The pressure that was created by nobody but me.

Growing up, I have been well aware that we are not rich. My older sister and I got used to seeing our father only twice a year because he had to work in Manila while we were studying in the province. We also only got to see our mother in the evening because she had to work during the day as a barangay secretary to help my father make ends meet. It was never easy for us, especially when my father passed away and our mother had to raise us alone. I went to high school not having a single chance to join Boy Scouts because we could not afford to pay for its expenses. I also graduated from senior high school hearing my mother’s constant reminder to me that I should pass and study at a state university for college. She would say she might be unable to support my college education, considering that my older sister is studying at a private university, and her expenses are getting higher.

Having all these experiences, I inculcated in my mind that I would finish my studies to earn a lot of money. I became so focused on the goal of becoming rich, to the point that I forgot to spare some time to think about which path to take to achieve it.

Now here I am, lost in the labyrinth of roads, pressured by time. As I witnessed my classmates happily enter college to pursue their desired programs, the pressure got even stronger. I feel so uncertain, and it scares me. I don’t want to get left behind. I don’t get to a point where all my classmates are already successful in their chosen careers, while I’m still stuck in the process of contemplation and have achieved nothing.

How I wish I could stop time. I wish I could pause it just so I could give myself a moment to think about what I really want. But, of course, that’s not possible, because time does not work that way. Even if you carry the heaviest burden in the world, it will not pause to give you a rest and resume when you gain strength.

Time is continuous, and it stops for no one.

As I’m now also about to start my college journey, I still feel scared. I’m enrolled in a program I never once thought of taking; a program I don’t have any idea about at all. But let’s see. Maybe along the way, I’ll be able to learn to love it and be passionate about it.

For now, I will just go with the flow of life. Let it take me wherever it wants to take me. And then just see and face whatever the future has for me.

After all, I’m still young. I’m not supposed to have my whole life figured out yet.

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Russel CJ C. Ragaas, 18, is a freshman at the Polytechnic University of the Philippines.