Breaking the silence on silent treatments

Silence and peace seem to co-exist. There is peace in silence and silence in peace. Some people seek silence to be able to feel solitude. They find the quietest area in a busy room for their thoughts to thread nicely. Who would not want a little absence of noise? I can relate to people who need some quiet time. A noisy room is chaotic. I even use earphones sometimes to block out unnecessary outside noise of people chitchatting or worse, someone chewing.

Even inside the classroom, as a teacher, I cannot start the class without having my students lower their voices and focus only on me. It is my daily struggle if I cannot keep the noise down inside my classroom. I think everyone needs a little silence to breathe, articulate clearly, or be able to explain oneself. In our daily lives, there are times when silence is necessary.

The absence of silence means havoc. As I said, it co-exists with peace and is often associated with calmness and tranquility. However, there is a kind of silence that I find disturbing. It is not the absence of noise but the absence of explanation or closure. I do not mean the action you do when you want to cut a person out of your life permanently. What I mean is suddenly getting the silent treatment without you having an idea what happened or what you did. They just do not speak to you suddenly. There is a problem because one moment things are okay and then you blink and the next thing you know, they no longer want to communicate to you. Leaving you hanging, bothered with thoughts.

Is it just me or is the silent treatment bothersome? According to the Cleveland Clinic Health Essentials website, it is, and this has something to do with our sympathetic nervous system. It reacts when we think our relationship is under a certain threat. A region of our brain called the dorsal anterior cingulate cortex lights up when it processes pain. We feel threatened when someone suddenly cuts communication with us. Therefore, being ostracized hurts us.

I have experienced a few kinds of silent treatments in the past, especially in our house. Believe me, it was deafening. There were times when my mother would not talk to me for days or for a short time. We will suddenly be okay when we do not have a choice but to talk to each other. No closure or explanations or even addressing what made her treat me that way. I experienced this with my friends. I can hear the silent resentment while I am with them, yet they ignore me as if I do not exist. They answer when I ask them a question, but I can feel that something’s changed with the way they treat me, but they choose not to tell it. With them though, I break the walls they created.

It is not that I want to ruin their peace, but I also need an answer, and getting the silent treatment does not give me peace but rather insanity. It is the kind that feels uncomfortable. Muteness that I never want to seek. A little communication would not hurt and is not even expensive to do.

The moment you choose to give someone the silent treatment is when they get disturbed by a series of unanswered questions invading their mind. I understand though that staying silent and no longer minding the problem gives some a sense of peace or limits them from unwanted confrontation. They go distant and no longer address the elephant in the room. They might find it convenient and helpful, but I think those people who choose silence over communication, especially to cope, are a little selfish and unfair. Selfish in a way that they no longer empathize with what the other person is feeling since they found closure in avoiding arguments.

The other party needs to know what they could have done to hurt you. In my opinion, being confronted because of my actions is better than getting nothing but muteness. If I find that I may have hurt you, I will apologize and explain why I did what I did. I value every relationship I build with people and take it personally when I feel my actions might have offended anyone. Just do not give me silence because it does not work for me. It never did. People are not mind readers.

As cliché as it may sound, communication is still the key. It is the key to unlocking the gated high walls we build made of contempt and silent resentments that will remain unresolved if we continue such treatment to cope. When you choose to ignore the problem, you become part of the problem. Maybe pride is the prize for choosing distance and silence over a little communication, but there is nothing more fulfilling than winning the relationship back and finding out that the problem was not even a major one. Both of you just took the situation differently and got lost in translation. If only people could value relationships more than their pride, the number of friends we lose might decrease. We might even be setting a good example for the younger ones.

In the end, no amount of money could buy you a good and harmonious relationship with people. Find a quiet place to communicate what hurt you and apologize if you think your action might have hurt someone. Just do not resort to silent treatment. As the famous oxymoron says, it is a deafening silence. No one deserves to be treated like that.

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Arlene Virtucio Jocson, 27, is a public school teacher in Cavite.