For the past six years, I can clearly define what love is: the precise feeling of happiness and pain that overflows through my heart, down to my veins. I can tell directly that whatever I am feeling, it is love; I am sure it is. And I can’t deny that it makes me feel like the rainbows and skies are in favor of me, for giving me the love that makes my heart grow at peace.
It’s the same calm and solace that I am hoping for eternally—the harmony of the shared love we’ve been protecting for years, the shadows we keep to ourselves, the privacy we both enjoy, the feelings we both have. I am sure that whatever we have, it is love.
Not until one day, the clouds finally form, the rain finally arrives, and at the end of it, there’s a rainbow. As I look at the other side, the love that we protected for years finally comes to an end. The love that I was sure of before, this time I’m not even sure what it is.
They said high school life would be the most memorable chapter in someone’s life. You’ll meet people, share fun, secrets, and sadness, and eventually find a love that may last a lifetime. We were both in the midst of this chapter when Chad and I met. It’s a bit dramatic and cliché, but we started as enemies and ended up as lovers.
During those years, we witnessed each other’s growth as individuals while always having each other’s backs. Our shared love overflowed, and all I can say is, “When I am with him, I’m the happiest.” He’s been with me through my ups and downs, never leaving my side when everyone else did. He has always been the best person and my favorite.
But just like Madea once said, “People are like seasons, they come and go.” The years finally spoke for themselves, and I never imagined that one day, love would eventually grow out of us. One day, I received a call to meet him at our place. The same spot where we had our first date would be the same spot for our last. The laughter I used to hear in that place was replaced by sobs. He finally let go of the love we used to share.
The explanation didn’t matter to me anymore when he said, “I need to let myself grow and find my own love and peace.” The only thing that mattered was how I could survive a day without him. How could I move forward and unlove him?
I loved him so deeply that I could see my own heart breaking when it ended. I always asked myself, “To what extent will it hurt if it doesn’t fall into place?” It ran through my mind several times. I never thought that one day, it would hurt not in the way I expected, but in a way that no matter how much I wanted to forget him, I never did and never will.
When I contemplated how love feels when I am with him, the idea of it suddenly lost its way. I didn’t know how to describe that feeling because I couldn’t, and I didn’t want to feel it anymore. I’m beginning to realize that whatever relationship we had before, maybe it wasn’t love at all. Perhaps it was just a feeling of hope that amid the crowd, I had someone to hold onto.
Years passed, and questions were answered. Organizing a wedding overwhelmed me because it was all too familiar. The flowers, reception, theme, motif, and some of the guests held a special place in my heart. It was the wedding that Chad and I had both prepared for. At that moment, I felt like the happiest person on earth, doing this for the love of my life. After many years, I hadn’t learned to unlove him; I had only learned to love him from afar and let it be. Years later, I was making his dreams come true, turning his future wedding into a reality.
On the day of the wedding, I was certain that this would be the happiest moment of our lives. As I walked toward the aisle, I saw a love I had never witnessed before. I saw the peace, calmness, and solace I used to see in him. When I finally reached his side, I gave him the man he was going to marry. All I felt was warmth and happiness for both of them.
I may not be the person he’s going to share his future with, but I am sure that love will finally find its place in their hearts and mine. At that moment, when someone asks me what love means, I will say that love means fighting, love means letting go, and love means pride.
To the shared love we once had, the shared moments we will never forget, and to witnessing him chase the love he deserves, I am happy that at the end of the day, we chose to love each other, even if only once in a lifetime.
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Katrina Mae Gabita Escondo, 20, aspires to be a writer someday. She is passionate about writing stories.