Holiday blues

Filipinos are infamous for their long Christmas season (recently acknowledged by Mariah Carey who teased that only Filipinos are allowed to play her timeless song “All I Want For Christmas Is You” before December). We celebrate it with a vengeance: streets festooned with colorful lights and lanterns; Christmas carols played loudly over crowds of shoppers in malls; song and dance numbers being rehearsed for the office parties.

At the same time, classic staples in our holiday playlists sing of loss and yearning, such as “Pasko Na Sinta Ko” and “Miss Kita Kung Christmas.” Family get-togethers now commonly feature group video calls with relatives who are overseas, unable to come home. It is not unusual for tears to fall during these bittersweet moments when, even as technology can now bring us together, it also reminds us acutely of how far apart we still are.

The holidays can be an ambivalent time for some. A family holiday like Christmas can set up unrealistic expectations. As the song goes, “‘tis the season to be jolly.” But what if you are feeling sad in the merriest time of year? What if family is less cozy and instead more chaotic? What if home is the last place you want to be?

As such, Christmas is potentially stressful. Some make their way home and grapple with family wounds that can no longer be ignored. Some students face more fundamental issues of safety as they do not have anywhere to go when schools close. Parents face the pressure of setting up the perfect Christmas experience for their children, even as the cost of basic goods means that the noche buena table will be sparse. Some have to contend that they will spend the holidays alone or away from family, with the season getting less and less magical each year.

Christmastime can also be exhausting. How many parties and get-togethers are in your December calendar? How much time and money have you spent in preparation, including looking for the perfect gift? Folks in Metro Manila have the added bonus of almost daily “carmaggedons” as they brace themselves for gridlock just to squeeze in the obligatory shopping during their already stressful workdays.

Mental health professionals are on the alert, with the seasonal spike in mental health crisis already underway. It is tragic that Christmas and Valentines are two holidays marked by upticks of depression, self-harm, and suicide. The pressure to be happy can be a person’s undoing. The pressure to be in loving families and relationships during these holidays can magnify feelings of loneliness and unworthiness. A common theme in holiday movies is the main character’s quest for the true meaning of Christmas. Ironically, this, too, can be pressuring for those who are already experiencing a sense of emptiness. If something is supposed to be meaningful but you are unable to experience it as such, it can make you question either yourself or the world around you. This can lead to a deep sense of meaninglessness and hopelessness. This, as I’ve said many times in this column, is a big red flag for suicide risk.

How do we deal with the holiday blues when it hits us or our loved ones?

Do not battle the blues. Remember, it is all the “should’s” that have given rise to our feeling ill at ease during the holidays: I should be happy. My family should be happy. I should enjoy my family. I should not be alone. Struggling against it can make it stronger, as it adds another “should” in our list—I should not be feeling this way. Instead, be kind to your feelings. The kinder we are to our feelings, the less intolerable they would be. When we listen to our feelings, we can find out what we need. Do we need to talk to someone? Do we need a change of scenery?

Remember that you have more power than you think. While we are certainly inundated with all these social pressures surrounding the holiday, you can choose which ones to take on and which ones to throw away. You do not have to say yes to everything. If family time is toxic to you, choose a tolerable dose—going home early or skipping one event is okay. It might help to remember that there are no toxic people, only toxic behaviors. Contract an ally within the family that you can stick close to, so you do not have to face these encounters alone. Focus on aspects that you find pleasant (like food).

If Christmas feels too much this year, it is okay not to make a big deal out of it. It is okay to look forward to other days. People will understand if you did not hand out gifts. Do things that you actually enjoy, even if it’s not in keeping with the holiday theme.

The grander the festivities, the greater the emotional crash. It’s better to prepare for the fall so you can bounce back.

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