No stranger to distance
The sound of airplanes, the LED screen showing departure and arrival times, the way to the airport—I am very familiar with all these. These familiarities are not because I am a frequent flyer. I know my way around an airport so well because every year, I wait for the people I love to arrive—it is also the place where I send them off again after a few weeks.
For almost a decade of my life, my parents have been coming and going, not because they were neglecting me but because they wanted to build a better life for me so much so that they would go across the world just to work and provide for me. My mom went to Qatar and my dad went to Saudi Arabia as overseas Filipino workers. It was hard for me at first because I was just a child and I could only talk to my parents through screens. I was also an only child so that added to the factor of loneliness I felt during childhood.
Nannies quit one after the other because they were bored since there was nothing much to do at home. Eventually, my uncle and aunt took care of me and I lived with my cousins. I still live with them and my family’s house remains empty. It only has people when my parents are home because I also live in a dormitory near my university which is far from our home.
I am used to the situation that I am in—or rather, I thought I was. I thought that I was used to the balikbayan boxes that I would get every one or two years. A box would have all the material things that I wanted and it made me happy that my parents were able to provide for me. I thought I was used to opening their luggage and receiving pasalubong the moment we arrived home from the airport. I thought I was used to helping them pack their luggage again full of Filipino delicacies to give as pasalubong to their co-workers abroad. I thought I was used to sending them off at the airport without any heavy feeling. I thought I was used to all these. But I thought wrong.
I remember receiving medals when I was in grade and high school, yet my parents attended only a few of those times. I remember reaching milestones in my life, yet instead of eating out with them in person, all they could do was post about me on Meta (Facebook) or send me monetary congratulations.
I am used to that, I understand our circumstances, and I know someone out there could be in a much worse situation than me. My parents gave me a love that knows no distance, yet from time to time, I feel a loneliness that no one could understand.
My parents watched me grow up from a distance, but they don’t know how I grew up. One time when they were back home, they pointed at a restaurant that I used to like because the last time they went home, it was my favorite place to eat. We went in and ate, but I didn’t have the heart to tell them that I didn’t frequent that restaurant anymore because my taste in food had changed. But who could blame them? They wouldn’t know that. They try to keep up with my life, yet some small things such as this couldn’t be seen through the video calls and chats that we have with each other.
These factors growing up have impacted the way I handle change and being alone in my life. While my classmates ranted about feeling homesick and missing home-cooked meals, I was fine. When I came to Indonesia for an exchange program and my peers were missing their families back home, I replied that my parents were abroad so it wasn’t a big deal to be alone in an unfamiliar country.
Given these circumstances in my life, I thought having a long-distance relationship wouldn’t bother me at all. I met my boyfriend in the Philippines, yet he had to pursue his studies in London. He asked me if I could handle the distance, and I said I could. I know I could—but I miss him every day, and want him to be by my side physically. This long-distance love is not foreign to me, so I thought I wouldn’t feel as lonely. But I thought wrong again.
It is what it is, and I have accepted it. I have my parents abroad, as well as my lover. But even though I have accepted it, I am not immune to feeling the longing for their physical presence. I keep wishing that I had a normal relationship with them instead of dealing with the circumstances of having the distance separate us.
This loneliness is hard to explain, and only those in the same situation would relate to the loneliness I feel.
Fae Coleen S. Lagura, 20, is a biology student at the University of the Philippines Los Baños. She is currently in a student exchange program at the Universitas Gadjah Mada, Yogyakarta, Indonesia.
