Work in progress
I did not graduate college. Now, my whole life’s gone completely berserk.
I dropped out of school because I was battling several mental health issues at the time. Six years later, I still haven’t returned. There are several reasons why I wasn’t able to finish—I am still on medication, the pandemic, the embarrassment, the self-loathing, and my perfectionism.
I am on the cusp of turning 30 years old and aside from the usual “may asawa ka na?” people would come up to me and ask, “May trabaho ka na?” and “Ano nga ulit course mo nung college?” I usually have answers prepared. I would tell them white lies like I was working from home because of the pandemic or that I was still looking for a permanent job. I had no choice but to lie because telling the truth hurts.
Deep inside, I wish I could run up to people instead and tell them that I graduated cum laude and on time. I wish I could take my official graduation photos with family and friends. I wish I could post my graduation portrait online with a very long thank you caption. I wish I could catch up with my batchmates at a reunion years later. To be able to wear the sablay was the goal. I wish I could but it may never happen anymore.
I remember being conscious about going to college since my elementary days. I would repeatedly tell my mom that I wanted to be a writer. Going to and from school, the jeepney we rode would pass by some universities. My mom would point to a certain university and tell me that I would study there and take up journalism. I remember smiling at my mom and nodding yes. From a very young age, I already had these goals set in my mind.
During my college years, I was so focused on doing the right thing that I forgot to have fun. I wished I loosened up and lived in the moment. Special moments passed by so quickly that I took them for granted. If people asked me what my biggest regret was during my college years, I would tell them that I wished I had taken more photos. After taking a break from school, I realized that I was too hard on myself during college. I drowned myself in worry about what people would think of me if I failed. If I had known that this would eventually happen to me, I would have enjoyed and relished those moments more.
Over the years on social media, you see your friends and former classmates become doctors, lawyers, and students again as they embark on their journey toward attaining a master’s degree. Some have successful careers or settled down. Their lives are so perfect and so curated on social media that I could not compete with them. Meanwhile, I am stuck at home feeling lethargic and uninspired even though I barely left the bed the whole morning.
Recently, I watched the film “Tick, Tick … Boom!” A semiautobiographical movie, it was based on a musical by Jonathan Larson. It starred Oscar nominee Andrew Garfield as Jonathan. In the film, his character anxiously hears the ticking of a clock in his head as he feels the pressure of making the next great musical before turning 30. A symbol for time running out, the ticking follows him wherever he goes. Stephen Sondheim, at the age of 27, composed “West Side Story” so why can’t he be like him? I related so much to the film’s message about having an existential crisis and making art that will matter to the world.
As an aspiring filmmaker and scriptwriter, I envisioned myself having a film already made by the time I turned 30. My dreams and ambitions had a time limit and this was the reason why I could not move forward. However, I earnestly think I could still make them happen. I may be struggling mentally at the moment but having goals and dreams in life is my motivation to go on and live my life to the fullest. The film taught me that I am never too old or too young to chase my dreams. All I need is patience. I may not know what’s next for me but I have to keep trying. Giving up is not the answer to my problems.
The real Jonathan Larson tragically died at the age of 35 due to an aortic aneurysm. He passed away 10 days before turning 36 and a day before the opening night of his Broadway musical, “Rent.” It is a bittersweet story for Larson because he never got to live to see the success of “Rent.”
As for myself, I refuse to be a sad story.
Reflecting on everything that happened during my college years, I discovered that I really stepped out of my comfort zone. I remember doing a pretty good job of delivering a speech about feminism during a media criticism class. I talked to firefighters and tricycle drivers and made news stories about their plight. My partners and I did a thesis about catcalling and we aced the final defense. Who knew that an introvert like me could be able to do these things? These might be small wins but they’re already huge accomplishments for me. I am a work in progress and I must not quit yet. In fact, I still dream of casting Dolly de Leon in my future first film.
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Seth Jason C. Tan, 28, lives in Iloilo City.
