Bittersweet realization

I stopped reaching out first, and life has never been this peaceful.

My mother once told me to treat everyone with kindness throughout my time on earth. She taught me how to forgive instantly without even receiving an apology. Her reason was simply because people make mistakes and that is what makes us human.

Carrying my mother’s life mantra as I got older, I did everything I could just to make some people stay in my life. Maybe Taylor Swift was right, what a pathological people pleaser I was.

Every time they asked for my help, I would put myself last. If you tell me that you need someone to talk to, I will actually stop working on my assignments. If you ask me to print some documents for you, I will get out of bed even if my body is too tired for that. I am not bragging or anything, but I felt like I was a one-call-away kind of friend you will have in your life. I did not want others to perceive me as a selfish person. I provided them with all the help, time, and effort I was able to provide, for as long and as much as I could.

I would text people and ask about their lives, to find out how life was treating them. I wanted to know how they were doing and to keep in touch even though we were apart in order to maintain the relationship we had for years. My 17-year-old self was so dependent on them and emotionally attached that she would not mind making the first move as long as she would not be left alone.

Then one day, I happened to see a Facebook post that stated: he would if he wanted to. It made sense to me. Our behavior displays how much we care for people. I had the sudden realization that no one was ever willing to help me out in the same way that I would for them. Nobody would text me first to ask about how I am doing. I gave them kindness without expecting anything in return, but I believe a little reciprocation would not hurt. I am aware that each of us is occupied with living our own lives and battling to survive in this game we call life. But a heart that always understands also gets tired. Unfortunate events may change the way you perceive some people for the rest of your life. Although it may sound sad, it is what it is.

I grew exhausted from being ignored while they talked on the phone as I watched their Instagram stories. When I came home and had to ask them to go on a trip, they would simply respond that they did not have the money. Then, a week later, they’d plan a “despedida” for someone moving to Luzon.

It is a different form of pain to persuade someone to do something with you just to witness them do it willingly with others. Every time I think about it, I feel hurt. I just want people who can meet halfway without asking for it. They actually can, but not for me.

My mother was right, forgiving instantly is a piece of cake but she failed to warn me that I would not be able to forget the pain they have caused in a blink of an eye. I had no idea that memories may unexpectedly visit you, even when you have just awoken from a deep sleep. They sometimes visit me in my dreams, and the funny part is that I was apologizing for feeling that way.

Being so kind only wears me out, so I have gotten tired of it. Sometimes, we need to learn how to remove our chair from the table, so I no longer made myself available to everyone. Shutting my doors and embracing solitude could bring a lot of comfort. I began setting boundaries and discovered that peace is more important than unnecessary noise. I am putting a greater focus on myself and being thankful for what I have right now and for the few individuals who decided to stay with me.

When I think about those people who are not part of my life anymore, my heart no longer aches. I may have finally begun to heal from the scars they left behind but failed to recognize. Indeed, without any kind of explanation, it gets better. The things that consumed so much of my energy and thoughts no longer hurt me. I woke up one day and simply realized that I am no longer upset.

This bittersweet realization was eye-opening, not only for me but also for others who have experienced the same thing. We can’t make other people love us or understand us the way we want them to. Not everyone can think or feel as deeply as we can. You do not have to ask for it because the right people will give it to you willingly. Thus, I sincerely hope that we will always have the strength to walk away from other people if the worth of our love is no longer acknowledged and valued.

Mariel Mariz B. Calimbo, 19, is an incoming sophomore at Visayas State University.