To the opportunities I did not take

I am no stranger to failure. I was introduced to it when I scored three over 10 on a math quiz back in seventh grade despite joining math competitions in grade school. I shook its hand when I did not place in an essay contest despite winning the championship years prior. We had already become friends by the time a media company rejected me for the second time after I finally got an internship interview.

I am comfortable with failure because I always see growth in each one I experience. But what will always be more heartbreaking are the successes I cannot see through to the end.

The international science programs I cannot afford. The colleges I could not attend because the scholarships were not enough. The paid internship offer I could not accept because of my school workload. The leadership position I cannot run for despite being encouraged by my seniors because I need to prioritize my academics and well-being.

Weeks ago, I consulted my college adviser about a global health services internship for next semester. After three interviews, I landed a paid role at a multinational company that was related to my major — everything felt like a dream come true.

However, I have a full class schedule next semester that would leave no time for me to report to the office, even if I am only expected to do so twice a week.

Such is life. The application was a shot in the dark and I was happy to even get a second and third interview at all, let alone get in. But I could sense the worry emanating from my adviser in the way she scrunched her brows and carefully selected her words. When it took her several moments to respond, I said: “I’m ready to decline the offer. I just wanted to update you.”

When she was visibly relieved, I realized she was trying not to let me down by suggesting that herself. This amused me because I could feel that she really wanted to help, but this was not the first time I had to turn down a good opportunity, and it definitely would not be the last.

People get surprised when they find out I use LinkedIn almost as frequently as other social media platforms. I admit, it is not exactly normal that when I was bored a few months ago, I applied to three internships in one night.

But that is how I am. I am not afraid of applying to things, submitting my work, emailing professors. Because what is the worst that can happen? I am not afraid of rejection, not getting a response, or looking like a fool. In fact, I make it a challenge to get as many rejections as possible. In the best-case scenario, I get a few wins. Worst case, I gain experience from “shooting my shot.”

It is just that sometimes, I get tired of only gaining experience. I would be lying if I said I have not imagined what life would be like if I had enough money to enroll in the population health major I got into in Pennsylvania. I would be lying if I said I have not thought about that science writing program in Ohio that got canceled due to the pandemic. When I responded to their email asking if I had gotten in, the program head said “yes” but reiterated that it was canceled. I did not care — I was more focused on the fact that I was accepted.

There will be more opportunities in the future. But there will also be a heavier academic workload, a busier schedule. Life will continue to do what life does — it happens. And when life happens, the stars do not always align. Everything does not always fall perfectly into place.

It sucks when the major factors behind my decisions are out of my control: Money. Time. Distance. I know exactly what I will be missing out on when I say no, but often, I do not have much of a choice.

Years ago, my high school economics teacher taught me something important about opportunity costs: “When you choose, you must necessarily refuse. You are not a lesser person because of it.” Put it the other way around and my decisions are rephrased as when I turned down that internship offer, I said “yes” to focusing on graduating on time. When I turned down that leadership position, I said “yes” to my well-being.

I am only human. Just like anyone else, I have dreamed big dreams and set goals for myself, almost larger than life. I was not always this brave, and there have been times when I rejected myself before others could reject me. But I have learned from my rejections, acceptances, and most especially, the acceptances I could not take.

If it were not because of these shots I have taken, I would not learn things like I am good enough to get in; the professor I only spoke to online for a group project is willing to write me a recommendation, so I should not be afraid of asking other professors in the future; I have many useful skills, but just not the ones specific to this role I am applying for.

Such things taught me that no matter what happens, no matter where I end up, I will be fine because that is who I am. I have gone through so much, and every single time, I always turned out okay. Even if that meant heartbreak, disappointment, adjustment—I always turned out just fine. Whenever I worry about the future, I find comfort in that thought.

So I feel a little less bad about the summer program that got canceled, the international university I could not afford, the internship I have no time for. I know it is not completely my fault things did not work out. I was good enough—the circumstances simply were not in my favor.

Something else will come next time. Perhaps something better.

And isn’t that exciting?

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Janine Liwanag, 20, is a public health major and campus journalist at the University of the Philippines Manila.