This isn’t a rant against religion

My parents were hardcore, god-fearing, born-again Christians. They never missed a Sunday service or their monthly tithe offering. When Mom was pregnant with me, they asked the pastor to prophesy my future. He said I was going to be an evangelist.

If you look at the definition of an evangelist, it is someone who tries to convince people to turn away from their sins, repent, seek the Lord Almighty, and follow the religion. As a kid, being raised by Christian parents, that was the goal. I wanted to “save” people. At a young age, I was taught to memorize Bible verses, to use them in arguments, and to talk to people without shame because the Word of God is not to be ashamed of. I was winning all the Bible quiz bees. I served the church as an usher when I was 9, and finished all the requirements the church required to be a Bible study leader at the age of 11, one of the youngest people to ever complete it. No one doubted me though, they believed that God can use anyone despite their age, gender, abilities, or disabilities. So I never feared being rejected.

Back then, I even talked with other campus missionaries. They would approach me and share the Word of God, not knowing that I knew as much as they did, if not more. Then we’d end up talking more about our interpretations of the Bible. That’s when the waves of realization come in.

Realization 1: People interpret the Bible differently, or all holy texts for that matter. One text with many meanings means that not everyone sees it the same way you do and since no god is here to show us what it really means, I had doubts that anyone has ever had the right call about it.

Realization 2: Since I have read the Bible cover to cover about five times, I have seen the “love” He has. It is not what anyone would necessarily call love if a person does it, like when a parent hits their child because they “love” them, but it is God so everyone believes it is love.

Realization 3: I cannot understand why someone that wants people to believe him does not show himself or even at least show us proof of his existence that is reasonable beyond doubt and any form of logical argument. Most people would say his understanding is higher than ours but there is no proof about that either. This realization is actually the child version of me discovering the Epicurean paradox, “If a god is all-powerful, but evil exists, then he is not all-good. If a god is willing but incapable of preventing evil, then he is not all-powerful. If he is both willing and able, then why does evil exist?”

Realization 4: The final realization that made me lose faith in religion is that to convince people to believe in you, you have to make them fear you. They use the concept of hell as punishment when you sin, making me believe that it was never really love but fear-mongering. If we truly love a person, we shouldn’t be compelled to do so because of a consequence; we shouldn’t even feel compelled at all. If we do things out of love, it feels natural and, while sometimes difficult, does not discourage us from still doing it because we do it out of love and nothing else.

At the age of 13, I decided to let go of my religion and, unsurprisingly, my parents were displeased. They tried interventions with church leaders or turned off the internet if I don’t go to church, but they ended up adjusting either way. They realized down the line that only I get to decide what I believe in and with my reputation of being stubborn as a person, they knew nothing would change my mind.

This isn’t a rant against religion. I have nothing against religion or those who practice it. If there is one thing I will tell you though, is to really understand what you read. Note that these texts are hundreds, if not thousands, of years old. Some of the things said in these texts may not apply to our society today. Remember that the one thing that is constant is change, so please be open to change (for the better). In fact, 2 Corinthians 5:17 says that if you are truly for Christ, then you are to change. As the verse says, “… the old is gone, the new has come.”

I am 21 years old today. I am undergoing therapy, I am studying at the top university in the country, I am the head of my university’s pre-law organization, and I aim to become a law student and eventually a lawyer. It feels weird looking back at who I was. I was holy, didn’t swear, thought vices make you the devil and that pre-marital sex is a one-way trip to hell, and even Pokémon was bad because monsters come from the devil.

Now, I am a man who knows that vices don’t make you a bad person, but they are bad for you, that virginity is a social construct, that Pokémon is actually pretty fun, that swearing is a form of expression, but doing it too much makes you obnoxious, and that the general rule in life regardless of what you believe in is the old saying “Do not do to others what you do not want to be done to you.”

I guess I can be an evangelist. I can still fulfill my pastor’s prophecy, just not in the way that people think I would. I used to spread the Word of God but now, I spread more worldly things: political opinions, advocacies against certain stigmas, and true love. Love that doesn’t come because someone will bring you to hell if you don’t love him. Love comes because it’s there.

Jireh Cruz, 21, is a communication student at the University of the Philippines Baguio. Apart from writing essays, he writes songs and does a bit of photography on the side.