I just turned 20, but I still feel like I am 15.
The time I was a teenager had passed by so quickly that I felt as if no time had passed at all. Over the pandemic, there was no dramatic change in the way I looked or spoke, but the moment it ended, everything changed.
Friends had promised to stay in touch, but we only kept in contact through social media interactions. We swore we would message more often, but now, I just root for them through Instagram likes and Facebook comments. Regardless, I hope they are still doing fine.
Meeting new friends was certainly not as easy as I thought. We were no longer bound by the same strand or course; conversation topics became a lot more serious. Icebreakers were not as much about acne, puberty, and friendship drama as they were about internships, careers, and the future. The sense of direction I had was not as straightforward as I imagined it to be. I thought entering university would mean I figured it out, but as a freshly minted college student at 18, I had no clue what LinkedIn was or how to apply for internships. Yet for some reason, everyone else did.
Thankfully, though, most people agree that you do not need to have it all figured out at 18. You’re a new adult, so you can make mistakes. You’re still technically a teenager, so it’s forgivable.
But when youth fades and ushers in a new decade, you are supposed to have a sense of direction. At 20, you must have some form of career goal. You must at least know where you’re going. You must be certain of something, right?
Actually, I still feel severely underprepared for everything. Each time I take on a new internship or practice for a big exam, I search the room, checking if others my age are doing the same. At this age, you are supposed to have things together and be more independent. But before I start anything, I still wait for a whisper of advice or a smile of affirmation from the people nearby.
I imitated what others were doing; I contemplated shifting, ran for organizational positions, and applied for internships. Even with all of that, though, the confusion never dissipated. In retrospect, I realize that no one meets your eye when you search for guidance because they also have no idea what they are doing.
You can do everything but not know anything. You have a checklist and plan your days to a tee, but you will still be unsure—and that’s okay. In fact, I think embracing uncertainty means you navigate life better; you don’t always need to know where you are headed since what matters is you are going somewhere.
When you enter your 20s, hangouts with friends are less frequent because of scheduling, but when they happen, it is nothing short of magic. My “barkada” and I still do karaoke so loudly that our throats feel scratchy the next day; we go on lunches so long that they are practically therapy sessions. Even amidst the seriousness of the future, you will still laugh so hard that your stomach hurts.
When you enter your 20s, you will have to run many more errands, but luckily, you’re not alone. My “guama” and “ah-e” are still a Viber message away when you need them. My favorite teachers still remain in contact for support, though not via email anymore. My family members remind me that I can take time to figure things out, so I still have time for coffee runs with Mom and fireside chats with Papa. Despite the stress, you find comfort in knowing people root for you quietly.
When you enter your 20s, you will be lost. You will be even more anxious and awkward. You will fail tests, make mistakes at work, hurt people, ruin friendships, and miss opportunities. You will blame yourself each time.
You mourn over competitions you could have done better in, hobbies you could have excelled at, and people you could have been closer to. You contemplate if you’re going the right way; you wonder if other paths would have been better. You later realize regret is an exhausting pastime.
The fact of the matter is that you are going to do many more things, and you will hate and love them. You are going to have readings that make you wonder why you chose your course, but you will meet friends and instructors who lead you to the reason. You will be uncertain about your path, but you will have school organizations and events that make it less daunting. You will hate the idea of work, but you will get internships that make you wake up less terrified, even at 8 a.m. on a Thursday.
You won’t think your 20s are so bad anymore.
At 20, your high school friends temporarily become strangers, but when you catch up, you realize there is no one you know better. At 20, you go to the grocery store and bank quite frequently, but you’ll still have time to visit the toy shops you adored as a kid. At 20, you will feel alone, then remember that the uncertainty is not time-bound, anyway; as long as you are headed somewhere, you know you’ll be fine. At 20, you won’t know if the decisions you make are correct, but you will make them anyway.
You just turned 20. You know everything and nothing about the world, and that’s the best part.
Chanel Ang, 20, is a sophomore taking up political science at the Ateneo de Manila University. When she is not cramming for work, she can be found drinking coffee with friends, watching feel-good movies, or singing along to Taylor Swift’s discography.