Among the countless struggles I had to confront during my younger years was that of faith. I had very intense questions about the existence of a God and the soundness of my religion. I was born and reared to be a devout Catholic and I practiced the Sacraments like a dutiful soldier. As expected, my religion turned into a routine in whose dreariness things started to lose their meaning and purpose. And somewhere along the way, I got lost. I felt empty.
It was this emptiness that fired my curiosity to seek solace in readings and lecture sit-ins on Buddhism, Islam, Ananda Marga, and other religions and ways of life during my early years in a university that strongly encouraged the pursuit of human freedom. It supported the Marxist dictum that “religion is the opium of the people” which is often used by the “powers that be” to perpetuate oppression and commit injustice. I listened to the propositions of atheists and agnostics and flitted from one existentialist philosopher to another. And because the Bible was reduced to mere mandatory text in my household, strictly imposed by my church-going parents, I found myself reading and devouring in secret the works of Kierkegaard and Sartre, among others, not to mention the Bhagavad Gita and the Quran in my insatiable search for answers. Despite all these, I was still at a loss.The search took a while, but surprisingly I was never compelled to experiment with drugs, mysticism, and the occult in my desperation to find answers. But neither did I attribute this safe and guided direction to an Omnipotent God who kept me away from all harm and evil despite my stubbornness to acknowledge Him. I kept on looking elsewhere and everywhere for that God who can answer my questions and envelop my soul in peace. But I have forgotten to look inside my heart.
The “Tao-Te Ching” by Lao Tzu, a Chinese philosopher, tells us that you first have to be empty in order to be full. In fact, it was in the emptiness of my heart that I found the fullness of God. He was right there all along, patiently waiting for me to accept His presence in my life and surrender my whole being to His power and all-encompassing love. In my struggle, it was He who picked me up every time I stumbled and fell. In my despair, it was He who comforted me and gave me hope to go on looking. In my weakness, it was He who served as my invisible source of endless strength. And even in my pride, it was His unconditional love and forgiveness that humbled me to my knees. Like the father who was preparing for his prodigal son’s return, God openly welcomed me back to the fold.
Odd, but it is when we are bruised and aching inside that we remember to turn to God. Then we realize that it is our human pride that hinders us from enjoying a personal relationship with God. I have stopped looking for miracles in my life ever since I submitted myself to a renewal of faith. What greater God can there be than one who gives us the freedom of will and choice?
The pandemic has badly shaken the firm foundations of our faith. Isolation, despair, disease, death, and inconceivable sorrow have turned us into doubting Thomases. Why has God allowed all these to happen? But these difficulties test how steadfast we are in holding on to God’s promise. We can take comfort in Jeremiah 29:11 as God declares, “for I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” This is not a promise of an immediate rescue from loss, hardship, and suffering but a promise that, regardless of our current situation, He will never leave nor forsake us (Hebrews 13:5-6).
In times of tribulation and uncertainty, those who believe seek hope and reassurance in His powerful name. When faith breaks through all the barriers and knows no bounds, peace is restored in each and every heart and soul. We just have to stop doubting and start believing. For what is Calvary if not a journey toward a glorious Easter morning?
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Dr. Nerissa M. Guillermo was a private school principal for 15 years prior to her current stint as program head of BA Broadcasting and senior professor in the graduate school of Education in a prestigious university. She is a creative writer, lifelong learner, cancer survivor, prayer warrior, and peace advocate.