‘Siya’

Insert pronouns here.”

I stare blankly at my laptop’s dark-themed screen in front of me, my eyes directly looking at the blinking of the text cursor. I might be hallucinating because I could almost see it going faster by the second. Like it is impatiently waiting for me to finish my introductions. I watch other members’ introductions pop up on the page before I could finish mine. Their pronouns of “she/her,” “he/him,” “they/them” are already written in the format provided by the admins, while mine is still there on the chat box, still yet to press enter.

I could almost hear the mocking tones of people beside me on my bed. Old ones and even people my age pointing at my screen for this admittedly long and dramatic dilemma. Something that would make a person believe that “Gen Z’s” are out of touch with reality for obsessing so much on pronouns than something more important in life. It made me believe for a second that I was becoming that stereotype.

How can I tell them my issues when they’ll judge me over not using pronouns that are not even from my tongue?

How can one translate “siya?”

This has always been my struggle every time I join an international Discord server or group chat where everyone is required to provide this information.

As I think for a second, ready to write an embarrassingly long paragraph over only using Filipino pronouns like I always did, I suddenly remembered that time when I first discovered people using pronouns that I did not understand.

I was sitting on the top bunk of the double bed I shared with my older brother, silently scrolling through my Instagram feed while holding a half-eaten soggy and dangerously pale-colored apple pie that my mother would always buy from her workplace’s canteen in one hand. It was a memory so distinct to me because it was the first time I have ever encountered a post called “neopronouns vs xenopronouns.”

It was a very neon pink-themed post, with a character from a video game inserted on one side. The typography didn’t help either because it was also bright pink. As I kept on reading, I could only pause and react, with my eyes furrowing in suspicion over the words that attempted to sound intelligent. It all seemed like a massive joke, and an excuse to feel special, every new idea brought out about pronouns did not make sense to me.

I was thinking how that can even be used in conversations, I could only imagine the embarrassment I would feel when addressing a stranger as “kitty/kittyself” in public. If I even try doing this in front of my very Catholic and conservative grade school English teachers, they would probably smack me behind my head and force me to read all of my grade school English books again.

Despite “siya” being one of the pronouns I truly consider for myself, then why do I feel this sort of dread when trying to make international users use it?

Is it because I’ve been very adamant about being in touch with my lost culture? Is it a coping avenue for the years of colonization the generations of my ancestors had endured by highlighting my “Filipinoness?”

Did I unintentionally want to torture them by forcing them to learn basic Filipino grammar?

I couldn’t really tell myself.

I lie down and put my laptop beside me, perhaps I am thinking too much about this. It is a situation that I couldn’t just win in an instant. Society has still yet to improve in diversity and inclusivity, and this is one of those that I feel is still not touched. I truly understand now how much of our language culture is not represented enough.

I long for the day when I finally don’t feel weird enough for using Filipino pronouns only, when I don’t need to defend and explain myself in those introductions.

I never considered myself to be a teacher, so I don’t want to act as one.

I long for the day when I can casually type “Pronouns: Filipino pronouns.”

I went back to my laptop keyboard, typed, and pressed enter.

“My pronouns: Any pronouns.”

Fatima Vergara Soriano, 19, is an artist who finished high school at Miriam College in 2022. She is currently studying information design at Ateneo de Manila University. Fatima aspires to be a great contributor to visual design for the education of the Filipino community.