I never wanted to lead

I perceive myself as someone lazy and incapable. Unfortunately, others see responsible and capable.

I never wanted to lead.

My parents were already student leaders, our family has done its fair share. Apparently not, I blame my genes for my chains to service and empathy.

I never wanted to lead.

I wanted a simple and quiet life. Too bad, it’s been loud for quite some time. When you’ve spent most of your life resisting a path that you still end up on anyway, it’s bound to define you as a person.

I’ve been the obedient daughter, the dutiful sister, the good-example cousin, and the soft spoken granddaughter.

I played my part well. I got good grades, I stayed out of trouble, and I was civil to everyone around me. Still, my mother asserts that I’ve become selfish as a teenager. She’s not wrong. I am no martyr to suffer through all these hardships for other people. I got good grades because I wanted to succeed, I stayed out of trouble because I understood the need for rules, and I was civil because I dislike confrontation. I did all of it for myself.I completely understand, though, the whiplash people around me must have felt when the quiet child started talking their ear off. Maybe it was a cliché to have gone through a phase where “I have human rights” was my go-to response when my parents ordered me to bed. In my defense, I was simply applying what I’d learned at school. In the past when they said no, I said “fine,” but as a teenager, my “fine” became a “what if…”

It’s funny how much I tried to wash my hands of activism when I’m told it’s something I often do. I thought that my disinterest in getting involved would be interpreted as a sign to be taken advantage of. It was recently pointed out to me that I had never let that happen. I consider myself a very calm and peaceful person, but I find that I also resort to rage in the event of any grievances. As a stout girl, it was hard for me to get my point across without using a little bit of volume. I did it often, and I did it well. Too well, perhaps, as some of my male batchmates are sometimes afraid of me.Speaking out is rare among my peers. Many would much rather accept their fate than fight for what they think they deserve. Lucky for me, my stubbornness does not allow me to give up as easily. I would often find myself as the opposition to inconsiderate and incompetent individuals who think what they say goes. The most common case is a pseudogovernment that decides everything before an actual democratic vote takes place; I mean this both in a literal and figurative sense. Standing up for what I think is right comes naturally to me after years of speaking for myself. It can be harrowing at times to be the first one to speak up, but it’s also one of the most comforting feelings in the world when someone else follows. I guess that’s why people want to lead and why I ended up as a committee head for an organization that advocates for women’s representation in STEM.Selfishness is a shield I use whenever I am doing something for the sake of others. It’s funny to say now, that out of all things, it was empathy that was hiding behind my selfishness. The logic makes sense in a way. If other people can’t get what they deserve, then how am I supposed to? And if only a few of us are entitled to the gifts of the world, that’s just plain greed and I resent that. However, there is this distinct feeling when someone catches you caring for others. It shouldn’t feel as uncomfortable as it does, but it is. It’s easier to admit that I do it for myself because a good deed is often portrayed as something too good to be true. Thus, a good deed often ends up as an accusation of patronization. With the state that our world is in right now, acting coy is just a waste of time. So yeah, maybe I do care.

My mind’s made up again, although this time around, I’m open to change. Success, service, and leadership are all the values that I thought I should inherently possess and with it, responsibilities that I must bear. And so, I faced and evaded these responsibilities for as long as I could. There is a distinction between doing something because you believe it to be expected of you and doing something because you want to. No one has ever forced me to do anything I don’t want to, but now I want to face these responsibilities head-on.I want to lead.

I can do it. I am doing it. I will be doing it because I can.

I want to lead.

I will be the change I want to see in this world.

I want to lead.

And I will lead.

Renee Elle B. Palatino, 18, is a Grade 12 student at the Philippine Science High School-Central Luzon Campus. She is president of the Anthology Book and Reading Club, head of Eternals, Aklat Ayuda, and head of projects, Siwala, Women in STEM organization.