The living, first

Filipino rituals for the dead—from the wake and the funeral, to the 9th-day and 40th-day prayers, and the annual November commemorations where we’ve taken over both Nov. 1 or All Saints’ Day and Nov. 2, the original intended day for all souls—speak of the importance we attach to the dead… and the living.

The mood in the cemeteries reflects a certain schizophrenia. It is, after all, a “ber” month, Christmas carols already blaring out from radios and Christmas trees sprouting in malls. By and large, the grave sites are distinctly festive (without the Christmas trees, of course), with lots of relatives and lots of food. But there are also graves that are more somber, these being the ones with a recent death.  Relatives are more solemn, some occasionally breaking out sobbing, crying or even wailing. There are, too, the quiet graves with no visitors, weeds and grass slowly taking over. Neighbors gossip of how the family members have all migrated to distant lands, or are working overseas, and haven’t bothered to pay a caretaker.

Deaths are terribly disruptive, especially when the death is unexpected, as those caused by accidents, murders or sudden illnesses. Families need time to recuperate and all cultures have prescribed ways to deal with the trauma.

The Filipino way is to allow grieving over a long period, but accompanied by almost excessive social activities of eating and talking. It’s almost like telling the dead, “We’re still around.” Overnight vigils are especially important, almost as if leaving the dead alone in the night might result in their waking up and searching for relatives.

But culture is not always adaptive. At times, culture lags behind the times. I see this happening with our commemorations of the dead. One of my staff recently lost her brother and she asked me for permission to return home. I asked for how long and she said a week. I knew from the tone of her voice she intended to be away longer but even then, I just had to remark that a week was a long time.

Death’s debts

As gently as I could, I told her in Filipino, one must place the needs of the living first. What I meant there was that a week (which did turn out to be 10 days, with text messages about the priests being too busy with town fiestas) meant no work and no pay.

There is no “death leave” and so if you go off, it gets charged to vacation or sick leave. Even then, for the lucky few who get leaves with pay, it doesn’t quite compensate for the many expenses that come with a death, often because families actually go into debt.

In the case of this employee, I had to shell out P30,000 because the family had made no preparations at all: no cemetery plot, no memorial plan. Still on the theme about putting the needs of the living first, I advised her not to get extravagant with wakes, which is something Filipinos often do. Sadly, funerals and wakes have become ways of displaying status, so even with limited budgets, the living will spend beyond their means for the coffin, the wake, the funeral.

Some years back another employee came sobbing to me wanting to borrow P70,000 to bury a dead husband. I was flabbergasted and couldn’t help but joke (which is acceptable in the Philippines as part of the consoling process): “How many bands are you hiring?”

I suggested ways to reduce the costs. Why not use the municipal cemetery, I asked. I also suggested cremation so the remains could go into a church niche. You should have seen my employee wailing as she lamented, what would her family and neighbors say if she buried her husband in the municipal cemetery. As for cremation, oh, but her poor husband was now dead and we were still going to torment him, burning him and pulverizing his bones.

Ironically, it is among the upper classes where you find a trend toward simpler funerals and death rituals. Over the last two years, I’ve attended many wakes where the deceased have already been cremated, sometimes right after dying. Instead of a coffin, you have an urn with the ashes, and a large photograph (usually from much younger days), with a PowerPoint slide presentation projected on a screen to bring back memories of happy times.

The wakes are short now, sometimes even just a day or two, with a memorial service arranged later, sometimes even a few weeks after the death. I see more of this at my university with faculty members. In the past, the deceased’s coffin would be brought to UP for the memorial service. Now it’s an urn with the ashes or just a photograph. The delayed memorial service ends up being more meaningful because relatives and friends are less anguished, more open to sharing all kinds of stories.

The changes remind me of the way photograph sessions have evolved in the Philippines: we pose for serious photographs and then in the end, someone shouts out, “Wacky, wacky” and we all go into crazy poses.  I’ve seen that too in memorial services for faculty members, the first eulogies tending to be very serious, and then becoming lighter. Former students come up to speak, with admiration for their deceased mentors but adding on the most  irreverent stories.

I’ve realized that the more irreverent the stories, the more I am certain that the deceased was well-loved. Eulogies with formulaic “He was a good man” phrases, with few real-life anecdotes, tell me people are just being polite.

I will never forget a recent wake for Dr. Josie Cabigon, one of our faculty members.  At one point I was offered snacks, cornik if I remember right, and the relatives explained they had been processed by a cooperative that Josie had helped to set up in Abra. It was one of many projects she had to help her townmates. Now that’s honoring the dead.

Other traditions

We forget there are also traditions that emphasize simplicity in death rituals. Muslims bury their dead before sunset on the day of the death, the deceased shrouded in a piece of cloth. There is sound psychology at work here, a recognition that death needs to be accepted as part of life.

Our Catholic priests and Protestant pastors need to do more, speak out for simple funerals, for cremation.  Perhaps too our religious leaders should remind the faithful that preparing for a good death also means having memorial plans ready, to make it easier for those left behind.

Most importantly though, we all have to accept that while we want to show our love and respect for the dead, they don’t enjoy the frills, and the living will end up having to pay for all the expenses, including debts.

Let’s honor the dead, by thinking of the living.

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Email: mtan@inquirer.com.ph