You’re on your own, kid

It’s the weekend and I have once again finished a week of corporate work, but as a working law student, it doesn’t end there. Right after logging off, I took the last leg of my midterm examination, recharged a little bit by watching the last few episodes of a series I’d pended for weeks, slept to recuperate, and woke up early to write and submit my thesis structure and attend two classes scheduled for the day.

The routine isn’t what’s on my mind though. I’ve already been dealing with that for over two years. As I write this, I missed the baptism of my godson, the first baby of our high school barkada. When we were in high school, we would bet on who would marry and build a family first. The day has come, but I was not present to witness this milestone that we have imagined for years. While I am already quite used to missing out on gatherings or not fully enjoying celebrations because I either have classes the next day or backlog readings to finish, missing a first is heartbreaking. I am turning 30 in a few months, but here I am: Instead of counting plane tickets to the places I’ve been, I’m counting the hours that I have to spend for the number of pages that I have yet to read while thinking of what to eat for lunch.

I have been reminded of what I had been missing out on lately. A few days ago, I wasn’t in the family photo at PICC when my sister finally marched after two years of postponed face-to-face graduation. I couldn’t file a leave for this special day because I was already out of office for a few days due to my examinations. Last year, my boyfriend and I didn’t celebrate our fifth anniversary with the usual fancy dinner because I had to review for my revalida in taxation law I. I could enumerate several other occasions that I missed since I entered law school. Thinking about the moments that I could no longer rewind really makes me sad, not to mention my grandmother’s line when she saw me two months after the semester started, “Ang tagal ko kayong hindi nakita.”

While I am trying to buy my time to reach for my lifelong dream, my loved ones are not getting any younger and my friends are moving forward to the next stage of adulthood.

What’s more in this path I’ve chosen is that you tend to question your decisions every now and then, and I believe several other law students could attest to this. I would spend several days studying for a particular subject, losing sleep, and overdosing on coffee, only to forget what I memorized just when I need to recover it from my memory. I would read a material repeatedly, but the law is still not something that I can master. Yet, I must muster the courage to face each day, because that’s what this journey is all about—surviving one day at a time.

The frustrations just pile up, and sometimes I cannot help but schedule a breakdown and complain. Yes, I schedule it, because I just can’t spend unlimited time with my emotions. I would complain to acknowledge that my feelings are valid; at the end of the day, I would have to remind myself that this is a choice I’ve made. Although limited, I should foster the mindset that, at least, I had a choice. I have the privilege to work on my dreams—the dream that someday, I will be privileged enough to help other people by fighting for their rights and becoming a voice for those who cannot speak for themselves, and probably find better opportunities for a better life.

I entered law school in my late 20s because as the eldest, I had to be practical and find a job right after graduation. We couldn’t afford to send me straight to graduate school because I still have two other siblings who were yet to enter college. Now that my career is quite stable and my job could somehow manage to support me, apart from worrying about my subjects, I also worry about budgeting for my school fees, books, rent, utilities, and, the most difficult of all, my daily meals. Being on your own, let alone adulting and being a graduate school student in one, is both good news and bad news. It is really exhausting, but at the same time fulfilling.

Two degrees down and struggling with my third, it still feels like I’m stuck in a black hole that I couldn’t get out of, and I haven’t achieved anything for myself. I was taught to cast beyond the moon when thinking about the future, and that’s what I did. There’s no easy way to shoot it, but I’ll take my shot anyway. I must admit that my mind is clouded with doubts if I will be able to make it, but each time I feel like giving up, my God would remind me that this will all be worth it someday.

I have chosen a path full of uncertainties. I’m on my own, but not really. I have missed important occasions, yet they stayed. And I am certain that they will be staying even if I had been missing graduation, birthdays, baptism, or anniversary.

Right now, while I prepare myself for another class, I’ll just sing with Taylor Swift:

’Cause there were pages turned with the bridges burned—

Everything you lose is a step you take.

So, make the friendship bracelets, take the moment, and taste it.

You’ve got no reason to be afraid,

You’re on your own, kid.To all the doubts, fear, and pain that is yet to come, I believe I can face this, as I always did.

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Claudine Chelsea Tan Faylogna, 29, is a brand finance officer at the Inquirer and a Juris Doctor student at PLM College of Law.