Less than 50 copies

Less than 50 copies per mL. That is the goal, Shom,” said the attending physician assigned by my hub. “If we reach that, it means you’re undetectable. Remember: U is equal to U.”

Undetectable is equal to untransmittable. “Yes, Doc,” I responded. That was four years ago, when I visited the hub for my second regular consultation.

At that time, I still relied on my allowance so I could go to Alabang for my laboratory tests and consultations. And, of course, I had to keep the whole thing hidden from my family. Thank God antiretrovirals are free. Or else, I would be forced to disclose my status to my family earlier than planned. For the longest time, the knowledge of my status was the only thing I had the most control over, my most well-kept secret. And I preferred to keep it that way.

I say “most” because I knew there were a few people in my life who disclosed my status to others without my consent. I could list them down. Back then, that information could destroy me. And I don’t think even Article VI of Republic Act No. 11166 (Philippine HIV and AIDS Policy Act) could protect me from the humiliation and the broken relationships it would’ve caused.

So I started practicing the art of hiding. I kept my status behind my lips and my poison blood beneath thick skin. Maybe that’s why I haven’t seen my doctor since.

Another reason why I haven’t gone back to RITM to have my viral load checked was because I didn’t have the time, the money, and the will to keep on living.

But an opportunity fell on my lap in March 2022.

I was only supposed to report on my medication and request three new bottles of my ARV cocktail. As per usual, I had to provide my patient code, full name, birthday, the number of meds I missed, and the number of meds I had left (we’re encouraged to call the hub for a refill when we’re down to two weeks’ worth of pills).

After everything was done and I had a schedule for pickup, the teller told me to hold on for a moment. A few seconds later, she said, “Hello, Sir Gershom? One of our doctors wants to discuss something with you. Do you have 10 minutes to spare?”

That was how I got involved in an ongoing five-year research project on young adults with HIV. The best part about it? I would get a transportation allowance for participating in the study, which I’d receive annually, and—get this—all my annual laboratory tests were now free. That includes my blood chemistry, my CBC, a chest X-ray, and, of course, my viral load test.

No more paying P700-plus for every lab test, and I get money every year? Definitely worth filling eight vials of blood. And I would do so with a smile on my face.

The entire thing happened in just one morning before I logged into my new work at 1 p.m. The only thing that took time was the results.

First came the blood chem. Cholesterol at 4.15 mmol/L. Triglycerides at 0.70 mmol/L. LDL at 1.72 mmol/L. I wasn’t very sure what those meant, but the doctor, whom I finally saw again after more than three years, said everything seemed to be in order and I had been living a healthy life so far.

Then came the chest X-ray. Lungs are clear. Heart is within normal size. Diaphragm and sulci are intact. The rest of the chest structures are unremarkable. Impression: Normal chest findings.

A week after that, I got my viral load results.

“First time since 2018,” said the doctor. I gave her an awkward, toothy smile that said, “Sorry, Doc.” She just shook her head.

“We’re aiming for less than 50 copies/mL. This will determine how well you’ve been adhering to your medication. Whatever the result we find in your VL test today, you must show up for the next ones from now on, okay?”

“I will do my best, Doc. I’m not very suicidal now, so…” I gave her a smile and a peace sign through my laptop screen.

“Okay, you can input your password now to open the results file.”

Less than 50 copies, I prayed as I typed the password, my patient code, and my birthday in numerical format. Please, please, please.

I willed my blood to listen, having long since accepted that any higher power would turn a blind eye to my pleas. Just give me this.

I hit Enter.

LABORATORY TEST RESULTS:

LABORATORY TEST PERFORMED: HIV-1 viral load determination by Real Time Reverse Transcription-Polymerase chain reaction (qRT-PCR)

TEST RESULT: 0 copies/mL

FINAL RESULT: HIV-1 Viral RNA not detected

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Gershom Gerneth, 24, earned his bachelor’s degree in communication arts from the University of the Philippines Los Baños. He has been a PLHIV since 2018, and he’s done hiding now.