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Why does God allow bad things to happen? Why does He let me go through struggle after struggle?
Before writing this, I have asked myself those questions many times, and contemplated long enough whether or not to share this to others. I am afraid of judgment, afraid of what others would say once they find out. But in deep faith, I believe that as I come across what I share here later on, this would be a beautiful reminder of how God granted an answered prayer. That as I look back on what’s written here, I would always be in awe, with my heart filled with gratitude of how He fulfilled a promise to me and my husband. That this would serve as proof and testimony of how God could create a beautiful story from what seems to be a dark phase in one’s life.
My husband and I carefully crafted plans on how we want things to happen in our married life. By 2021, we envisioned to have an addition to our family: a baby. Come the month of June, my period got delayed. I was also feeling nauseous at night and at times dizzy. I thought to myself that maybe I am pregnant but don’t want to disclose it to him too soon without being certain of it.
I purchased a pregnancy test and followed the instructions as indicated but it yielded a negative result. I thought that maybe I took it at an earlier time, so I took the test again, two times on different intervals, but still it showed a negative result. That’s when I started to get worried and opted to consult with an OB gynecologist. I was then advised to undergo a transvaginal ultrasound, which I did, but the findings struck me. I was diagnosed with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS).
At first, I was completely in denial. How could that happen when I have regular menstruation and my weight is just normal for my age? But it was explained that once one manifests symptoms of at least one out of the three criteria for PCOS, it is confirmed that one has it. In my case, it was an ultrasound showing multiple small follicles in both ovaries.
Since then, the result hit me like I was poured with a bucket of cold water. I am battling with thoughts of seeing disappointed faces from our family members, of hearing possible negative remarks, of possibly becoming a laughing stock to others because of my condition. On top of that, I hate the thought that others may be possibly thinking that there is something wrong with my husband, when in fact, it was me all along.
I was also afraid that we may be running out of time. I took all the necessary medications and lab tests for the possibility of conceiving. Every month that I still get a negative result and it shows that I am not ovulating, my frustration grows and the negative thoughts worsen. What if I could not conceive at all? What if my husband gets frustrated too much and got tired of waiting? Will his love for me run out if I could not give him a child? Still in disbelief, I was at the point of complaining to God. Why, of all times, does this bad news suddenly come? Am I not suitable to become a mom? Is this a form of punishment? Am I being toyed with by God?
But I guess something beautiful can come out of the worst situations. In each month that we receive a negative result, my husband would just hold my hand and tell me that things will be alright. That there is nothing to worry about and God is in control. It amazes me how he could see something positive out of what we were going through. He pointed out how we have more time to enjoy each other’s company, and hat we can be more financially stable and prepared once our baby arrives. We were offered to consider in-vitro fertilization if all else fails, should we opt to have a child before he leaves and travels away again for work. Yet with a strong conviction, he did not give that option a thought. He told me that he knows God would bless us a child in the natural way, in His perfect time.
Before he left, we prayed, and deep in our hearts we hoped that by September, I would get pregnant. It so happened that I just got my period again, as I was writing this, and so all hopes are gone for these times again, and we’ll have to try again when he arrives back. I am just thankful that when our family knew of my situation, I received words of comfort and hope. That more than ever, I felt all the more loved when I was at my lowest. Our family understood and prayed with us all through the holiday season. Above all, I am grateful of how my husband loves me unconditionally, how he tirelessly reassures me that he loves me no matter what and would keep choosing me despite all odds. He promised to stay by my side and to always have my back, as we both brave all the challenges life throws at us.
To be really frank, I am still battling with the same fears, until now. But we are all works in progress, aren’t we? I stand with my husband in faith, that in God’s perfect time, He will give us the desires of our hearts. I believe that what He has always meant to happen will be fulfilled to whom He intends to give it to, come what may.
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Michelle Aquino-Tulalian of Bacoor, Cavite is a project development officer. She enjoys reading psychology and inspirational books, writing and blogging. She finds reading and writing therapeutic, and believes that through sharing about her life, she gives “testimony that God indeed manifests Himself both through one’s accomplishments and trials.”
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